Oh dear...

So I wa bored and all on my todd in the Church offices and I have no office work to be getting on with (just some reading for TSM) so I decided to find out my BMI. Why that popped into my head as something to do I will never know... But hey, it did. So i found it out online as well as what my weight should be for my height. It's official, I'm obease, Have a BMI of 32.8 and need to lose 5 stone to be the ideal weight for a person of my short old bod of 5 foot. I knew i was overweight, as, I mean, well look at me it's obvious but I didnt reaslise I was obease. I guess it's a gllod job I seem to be losing weight then. Thank you Jesus! I so don't wanna get diabetes, maybe I already have it. I don't know and I sort of don't ever want to have to go to the doctors incase they want to find out. It's way to serious a thing that I just do not want to know! i know that's silly as it is, or can be if not closely watched, a life-threatening thing but at the moment I'd just rather not know.

So yeah that's it for this post. I just wanted somewhere I could write that and not have to worry about it being read...

Only You!

Only He is so amazing! Man I just love the Holy Spirit – he rocks my socks to be honest with you. Some people might read that and think “You can’t say that, you can love the Father and the Son and HAVE the Holy Spirit but you can’t LOVE him” and to that I say a good old fashioned pish-posh! Why not? He is part of God and I love god so I therefore love him; plus, he is pretty awesome. Besides without the Holy Spirit we couldn’t do any of the miracles, signs or wonders that we do get the honour of being a part of… it’s the Holy Spirit that does them, he is what Jesus gave us when he left the earth in order to do mighty works like he did and more! Woo to the oopage at that! The prayer meetings King’s have on a Sunday night called Wave of His Power are just ‘MAAZIN’! God is always there with his bud the HS and they move in amazing ways everytime. He just blows my mind in the different ways and things he does each week makes me smile like a loon on loon tablets! ( ;

So in September I’m going to be moving away from everything thing I have ever known to live in Bedford for a year whilst serving a church called the King’s Arms on FP Impact. I have no clue as to who I will be living with, what project I will be working on or the people I will be working with and being around. Terrifying stuff… and I’m just so excited, don’t get me wrong I am most certainly scared but I know it’s where I’m meant to be and what I’m meant to be doing next year so how can I not be excited when God has so obviously been in the planning and preparing for my ‘gap year’ from the beginning. I mean, all I knew was Impact, no destination or anything and now I have such a peace when evs I think about it. I was set on saying at my King’s for about seven or eight months until <> my youth pastor, and now an elder as well, said to think about going somewhere else as it might be better for me to leave the only church I’ve ever belonged to. That’s when he talked to Julian Adams about me and anywhere he thought a good church for someone with my gifting – prophetic – and he came back to Andy with two places he thought would be great for me: Essex and Bedford. As Andy knows one of the elders there (who turned out to be the husband of the lady Julian told Andy about) he looked into there for me first. I thought it would be a great opportunity but something in me never felt peaceful when thinking about it even after them having m Impact application. They eventually came back to Andy and said thanks, but no thanks… in very basic terms anyways… So then he looked into Bedford, they looked into me and then they accepted me. And this time I felt a real peace and joy about it… but always very scared/nervous but in a good way, because of all that I know god is going to do with me and all that I don’t have a clue as to what he will do. It is all extremely exciting stuff!!
Turns out I’m most likely to be renting a room in house with two other girls from October but before that I’ll probably be staying with a married couple for the first month or so until a girl has moved out of the house. (I was supposed to try and call the house owner today but I was moping too much to do so, plus I had the opticians too, so I didn’t). I was so happy thinking I had finished trying to save up money and could now buy some more clothes I could take to Newday as I don’t have enough, well not really but sort of – it’s a girl thing, but now that I need to be able to pay rent I cant :(. I suppose I shouldn’t have assumed they do it in Bedford the way KCH do, we find people in the church to house our impacters and I think they are given money to help with that. Whereas I have to pay my own way there, I guess as that’s the way it’s done here and every other place I’d heard about I presumed it’d be like that there too. Never mind. It’s hard because I know that God can provide this for me as he has so amazingly done so with the money I needed for FP and also TSM, but I cant help but thinking I wont be able to get any money; I just need to tell myself to give it up completely to him. It’s just hard is all.

Anyhoo, it’s late so I best be getting off soon, which means facebook only for a while longer… so predictable (: Nighty Night! Xx

(:

I took this picute the other day and I just love how it turned out - better than I could ever have tried. Check out in the background what Stina and I call Jesus rays - visibal shafts of sunlight!

Loves it!

(so i started writing this like Feb or something and never finished it and i cant remember why i started this post back then)



Yeah okay so I don't have feelings for Ben anymore. Not relationship-y feelings anyway; I know I shouldn't feel hurt by him as he never knew how I felt but as I was psyching myself up to telling him. But never mind and that is not the reason for this post.



So I' going to just write what I was to write about now. How flipping amazing is GOD!?!

Well let me tell you that he is so amazing you will never even begin to getting close to know just how awesome he is! Which in itself is amazing! Basically, he's just WOW!! with an un-ending amount of exclamation marks! I was at my last ever (or for a while at least) May Camp with Kings and I just loved it - I even loved the smelly, noisy cows that were situated almost all around us. That's how good it was, which is not even counting any of the ~God stuff in it either. On the last meeting, Monday morning, i just thought "Sack it. I haven't given worship my all even if i thought i had been trying to so I'm just gonna go for it. No matter what the rest of the youth think!" And wow-wee did God bless me for it! the night before i got Maggie to pray for me and she said i was going to start seeing things that i can't really explain or that feel real but never happen etc. And then when I was worshiping i did. God gave me the God-Giggles again.. which are flippingly fantastic.. and he showed me us. As in me and God. Together. It was me when i was younger, a child in the earthly meaning, running around this beautiful meadow of wild flowers and long grass. I was running with, to and from a man dressed in white robes had a shinning, glorious white light emanating from every part of him. We were laughing and giggling and playing in a beautiful meadow full of wild flowers and long grass to hide in. It just felt so real. It was breath-takingly amazing! And in 'real life' I was still in the marquee with everyone and I was uncontrollably laughing; like literally rolling on the floor laughing with my legs waving in the air. It must have been a right sight for the youth to see - me, in my pj's, having a giggle fit on the floor during worship (: A few of them did come up to me after the meeting and say it was hilarious and that made me feel two very different things at the same time. 1) He he yeah it was but also 2) a deep sadness in my heart: because they didn't understand or grasp what I had in me that made me laugh - the Holy Spirit's freedom and the joy of the Lord. They just don't have it yet and I so desperately want them to understand it so they can have it for them selves and then more importantly give it away to the dying world around them!
So that's my prayer for them, that they catch the wave of what Jesus Christ is so clearly doing at King's and jump in and enjoy!

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Okay, sometimes I really hate Facebook! Ben has a girlfriend, I'm glad he's happy I just wish it was with me. Sucks to find out like that, "Ben is now listed as being in a relationship" it was like a kick in the stomach. It hurt, like someone was saying 'Maha! He's another one you can't have!!" But it's been a few days now and I still like him but am praying for #god to take my feelings away so that I can heal and 'move on' - not to another person but from feeling like this, like im stuck, you know?
So... Life goes on as they say. Just makes me wonder if I really will ever find soem one to like me back the way I like them. But then I have to repent and talk to myself as apposed to listen to myself. ((sounds odd but that does make sense [: ))
Any ways, I just thought I'd fil you in on the lates big deal in my life... which I guess in the scheme and on goings of the world is a tiny deal but in my life it's not.

Ily! xx

Cherry Cola!

I think there is something wrong with me, I'd like to say all the time but I just dont know; so there is deffinately something wrong with me today. I just can't do anything, not like I'm crap at it all I mean, it's like I just can't do anything. I just don't work today, I'm broken. The worst thing is, is that I have no cluse as to why. It might hve something to do with talking to Ben last night on facebook, maybe after talking to him I get a little depressed because of our/my situation. But then again at the moment I am struggling with my relationship with one of my supposed best friends. I say supossed as I don't know where we are anymore. She keeps lying to me and has now broken two promises that she made to me only this month! and I just do not know what to do about it. Should I confront her, in a loving way, and tell her I know even though I have no real 'proof' other than a drunken text she tried to send to him which she sent to another of our friends, Laura, who showed me and forwarded it to me. Not for malisious reason might I add, but because I asked her to and she is also very worried this girl, lets call her Verity. We are both extremely worried about Verity as we don't know what to do or if we should do anything. The thing is though, Verity is hiding this from everyone other than "Steph" as well as hiding other things from people who should know them, like the leader of the church youth group she helps lead. Really, she put me into a very difficult postion by telling me some things as I too help lead prt of the youth and I know that the Leader needs to know them but I can't tell them. Not only because it is not y place, but because, well because I just can't. Not sure how to explain why I couldn't do it but I just couldn't. Not yet at least. If the situation Verity is lying to me about gets worse, I may have to the youth leader. But I won't yet.
all I need to deal with at the moment is trying to talk to her about ti and not acting differently around her, I'm not doing it on purpose, but I just am keeping slightly distanced from her. I would usually be joking and laughing andmessing aound but I am just not able to do it at this pointin time. I think it's becaue whenever I look at her I just think "Why do you keep lying to me, Verity? Do you not trust me anymore?!"
What's worse, I think I'm making myself physically ill over this. Have never worried about something like this before. I just don't understand! I guess Verity and her lying are the reason that I am not able to focus on any of my work. Tonight it will be worse, I wil have to put on a false smile and pretend like there is nothing wrong as I have my small group meeting (a group of girls from the youth I dicsiple and mentor) as I don't want them to see what's wrong as I would have to lie to them as to what it is about and I don't want to have to so basicaly it will just be easier to 'put on a brave face'.
Well any ways I best at least try to do some work.

forgot to post.. so I tried to work, didn't but i feel slightly better as i have messed around with my college friends. - classic times!

Apple-flavoured Lip Gloss

Isn't it strange the way a song can make you feel? How some randoms words strung together thrown along with some chords and a melody yet it can make your see the world, or more amazing, how you see yourself. What's more that amazes me is how a song that is clearly about one thing yet it can mean something entirely different to you.

I have recently found a song that instantly changes my mod for the better as soon as I hear note of the piano. It's Called Little Joanna by McFly, if you just read the words a lot, if not mot do not make sense. For example
"I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace!"

But when you put the whole song together, it just seems so beautiful and written from the heart. It makes me wish I was little Joanna and I made some one think like that. Like whatever came out of their mouth made no sense to anyone but me. Like it was a sort of private joke that no one other than the two of us understood. Just so you know what I'm harping on about, here is the whole of the song.

Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
Coconut cream on coffee colored thighs
I could die lying in her arms
Where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band

CHORUS:
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here

(Little Joanna)

Little Joanna's like a laser beam sky
Gluteous Maximus like a firefly
And that's why I'm a kissaphobic
Where cellulite dreams were made, like lemonade,
But when the shivers are salty and sea foam's the colour of space

She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here

God, I love Joanna
But she don't understand much
I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace
And feeling I got reckless
When Joanna's here

Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
I could die lying in her arms
where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band

She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here

When Joanna's here
When Joanna is here (x12)

Sunkissed trampoline
Up and down I'm my heart (x4)

Probably doesn't mean much to you, but to me, it sort of feels like a promise, that I will have that someday but I just need to wait on what, well who, God has planned for me to share my life with.

Up and dowwn in my heart, turned into jelly beans

Lord,
I want an Edward Cullen. I really, really don't want a Tom Lefroy anymore, I don't think I ever really did. But I'm sure you know that. I guess, in reality, I have always wanted to feel adored, loved, or just wanted by someone. Never having felt that before, other than from you God, I sometimes feel I that I never will; like I will always be left alone. With everyone around me loved, and me left on my todd outside in the rain. Yeah I don't know why I'd be in the rain but that's how I see it.

I love how incoherent I am sometimes yet I know that you understand every word so clearly as though it was said by a perfectly spoken person. You amaze me Lord, you make a world so beautiful, beyond brilliance, yet you made me. You made ME. Of all the things you could have made instead, you chose me. Every cell, every essence of who I am comes from you. Why make me when there are so many more important things you could have made in my place? You grace and love astounds me, O Lord.

Thank you for the desires of my heart, I know they are from you and that you will, one day, grant them to me, better than I could have ever planned for myself.

Amen.

Down.Went.Another.One!

Some times they suck. Just wanna have fun with them but they just wann have fun with each other - without you. Maybe it's your own fault, maybe your not exciting enough. Or people just get bored of pretending to laugh at your crap-unfunny jokes they usually they laugh at just to humour you.
Down Goes Another One.
You try your hardest at church, at college - at life. But you always seem to fall short, it's never quite enough, never what they want. Or sometimes not even what you want. Maybe they all think you should be like her, after all, she made. Your only here ecause of her. And him. And him too but sometimes it feels like they also wish you weren't here.
Down Goes Another One.

Okay, so I wrote that on Saturday night when I was (feeling) being left out of everything by Stina and Abbie. But I'm good now. Everything just sort of came out, all the bad stuff I had let myself build up inside into this giant firey, ball of mush and crappyness, just sort of un-mushes into words. Those words.
But it's all gravy, still feel left out and want what they have but just want it from someone of my own. Basically I want my Daisy/Becky-pre-year-9-summer-hols back. Or at least what we had but with some one I actually see very often and can just spill and go crazy with. I want it to be like Buffy and Faith - the boy slayers! were in year 5. If you want that explained just comment.

Ily, xx