Okay so I was meant to have posted something else before I posted this as I was going to start off by saying "I know in my last post I said...." but I don't seem t actually have posted what I started writing and its not in my drafts, but hey ho I shall just say it with out relating it back to a previous post.
Well there is this guy at my church called Darren who is doing an Impact Year - working unpaid for the church for a year. He already went to my church but had recently become a Christian the year before - his love of Jesus was incredibly deep for a 'new Christian' but that made me like him more when I realised I liked him. I will remember the exact moment I started liking Darren as it was such a strange thing to happen to make you like some one - he laughed at me (told you it was a strange thing). It was at Youth Cell in April this year I think, can't remember for certain other than it was a bit before Maycamp at Southend. I didn't tell anyone I liked him until the weekend after when it was the Lets Go weekend. I have liked him ever since, wasn't sure at the beginning of Newday if I still did but that was just because I hadn't seen or spent any time with him in a couple of weeks. But after being at Newday and spending lots of time with him, I knew I did still like him and that actually I liked him a lot more as I had gotten to know him better and had seen that we found it easy to get on with each other and that we have a similar sense of humour which I think is important in a partner… that you can laugh at each other, at yourselves in front of each other and at random things with the other person.. We would laugh about stupid, seemingly unfunny things for ages, twas great.
Well the reason I am telling you all of this stuff is because I have made a decision about liking him --> I need to stop it. This is because it is too hard liking some one and wanting them to like you back but knowing and that even if you found out they did that nothing could come of it for at least four years - he's on Impact now (they aren't 'allowed' to date), I will be on Impact next year and when I am on it he will be at Uni in Southampton for at least three years! I mean yeah I do really like him, but not knowing if he likes me the same or ever could is not something I want to be doing for the next four years of my life. I'm not saying he's not worth it, I'm sure he is, but it just seems that there is too much in the way of him and I getting together and not knowing makes it seem pointless waiting all that time for him to then come home and be like "yeah everyone meet my gf/fiance" and then be all crushed just because I clung onto something that wasn't likely to happen in the first place.
But in a way I guess it's a good thing I am trying to stop myself from liking him as there is some one else I kind of like. Well not really kind of, I do like him. His name is Ben and he is twenty three, twenty four next year. He is a Christian, lives just outside Gloucester with his mum and dad. He has two brothers, Phil and George – both older. We met in 2006 when I was 15 and he was 21 at Faith Camp and have seen him once a year for a week every year since then; other than one time when he was going out with Sarah (Stina’s sister) and he came down for a visit. Don’t worry I’m not trying to steal her boyfriend they broke up around last New Years and he has had another girlfriend since but they broke up as it wasn’t working and she wasn’t a Christian – you think there might be a link there too? Since Faith camp we chatted on Facebook and stuff and I didn’t think I ‘fancied’ him but then when he came down for my birthday party and I saw him getting on well with all my buds and I had a chance to chat to him in person I felt like my feelings for him grew more from being just great buds to wanting us to be more than that.
What a surprise – I like another guy I can’t have! Seriously, what’s wrong with me, why do I always do this to myself? I have never liked anyone ‘within my reach’ or who I am good enough for. There was Sam Burrows: was never going to happen because he was in love with Hat and she was in love with him... But they weren’t going out (He was on Impact with us). Then there was Robbie from a different church… didn’t ‘like-like’ him just thought he was yummy I guess, never goon happen as I’m not yummy aka he was way out of my league. Next was Darren – Reason above of why it could never happen and now there is Ben. I told Hannah how I felt bout him today; she is the only one who knows. I know I should tell Lottey and Stina as they are as close to him as I am and it just feels like they should know (plus I was really hurt when I found out Stina had liked Liam for ages and kept telling me she didn’t when it was obvious she did) but I am just scared of what they might say. He’s like our friend – almost like a brother to us and I have said that as WAS like a brother to me but now I seem to like him more than I would if he were just a brother to me. If I were to tell Ben that I liked him and he was then to tell me he felt the same I wouldn't want to tell Lottey and Stina straight away. I would want to spend more time with Ben just the two us and pray about whether or not we might have a future together or if we should just be friends. But all I can do for now is talk to him on Facebook and texts just getting to know him even better before I even think about getting close to telling him how I really feel about him and what I wuold like us to mean to each other.
Well there is this guy at my church called Darren who is doing an Impact Year - working unpaid for the church for a year. He already went to my church but had recently become a Christian the year before - his love of Jesus was incredibly deep for a 'new Christian' but that made me like him more when I realised I liked him. I will remember the exact moment I started liking Darren as it was such a strange thing to happen to make you like some one - he laughed at me (told you it was a strange thing). It was at Youth Cell in April this year I think, can't remember for certain other than it was a bit before Maycamp at Southend. I didn't tell anyone I liked him until the weekend after when it was the Lets Go weekend. I have liked him ever since, wasn't sure at the beginning of Newday if I still did but that was just because I hadn't seen or spent any time with him in a couple of weeks. But after being at Newday and spending lots of time with him, I knew I did still like him and that actually I liked him a lot more as I had gotten to know him better and had seen that we found it easy to get on with each other and that we have a similar sense of humour which I think is important in a partner… that you can laugh at each other, at yourselves in front of each other and at random things with the other person.. We would laugh about stupid, seemingly unfunny things for ages, twas great.
Well the reason I am telling you all of this stuff is because I have made a decision about liking him --> I need to stop it. This is because it is too hard liking some one and wanting them to like you back but knowing and that even if you found out they did that nothing could come of it for at least four years - he's on Impact now (they aren't 'allowed' to date), I will be on Impact next year and when I am on it he will be at Uni in Southampton for at least three years! I mean yeah I do really like him, but not knowing if he likes me the same or ever could is not something I want to be doing for the next four years of my life. I'm not saying he's not worth it, I'm sure he is, but it just seems that there is too much in the way of him and I getting together and not knowing makes it seem pointless waiting all that time for him to then come home and be like "yeah everyone meet my gf/fiance" and then be all crushed just because I clung onto something that wasn't likely to happen in the first place.
But in a way I guess it's a good thing I am trying to stop myself from liking him as there is some one else I kind of like. Well not really kind of, I do like him. His name is Ben and he is twenty three, twenty four next year. He is a Christian, lives just outside Gloucester with his mum and dad. He has two brothers, Phil and George – both older. We met in 2006 when I was 15 and he was 21 at Faith Camp and have seen him once a year for a week every year since then; other than one time when he was going out with Sarah (Stina’s sister) and he came down for a visit. Don’t worry I’m not trying to steal her boyfriend they broke up around last New Years and he has had another girlfriend since but they broke up as it wasn’t working and she wasn’t a Christian – you think there might be a link there too? Since Faith camp we chatted on Facebook and stuff and I didn’t think I ‘fancied’ him but then when he came down for my birthday party and I saw him getting on well with all my buds and I had a chance to chat to him in person I felt like my feelings for him grew more from being just great buds to wanting us to be more than that.
What a surprise – I like another guy I can’t have! Seriously, what’s wrong with me, why do I always do this to myself? I have never liked anyone ‘within my reach’ or who I am good enough for. There was Sam Burrows: was never going to happen because he was in love with Hat and she was in love with him... But they weren’t going out (He was on Impact with us). Then there was Robbie from a different church… didn’t ‘like-like’ him just thought he was yummy I guess, never goon happen as I’m not yummy aka he was way out of my league. Next was Darren – Reason above of why it could never happen and now there is Ben. I told Hannah how I felt bout him today; she is the only one who knows. I know I should tell Lottey and Stina as they are as close to him as I am and it just feels like they should know (plus I was really hurt when I found out Stina had liked Liam for ages and kept telling me she didn’t when it was obvious she did) but I am just scared of what they might say. He’s like our friend – almost like a brother to us and I have said that as WAS like a brother to me but now I seem to like him more than I would if he were just a brother to me. If I were to tell Ben that I liked him and he was then to tell me he felt the same I wouldn't want to tell Lottey and Stina straight away. I would want to spend more time with Ben just the two us and pray about whether or not we might have a future together or if we should just be friends. But all I can do for now is talk to him on Facebook and texts just getting to know him even better before I even think about getting close to telling him how I really feel about him and what I wuold like us to mean to each other.
This post has taken me so long to write for amny different reasons, the main reson being that I trying to do it at college instead of doing the work I should be doing, but it is also because I seem to be finding it hard talking about how I feel (not something that is normal for me) as it just doesn't seem to be coming out coherently (something that is normal for me). I don't think I have Ever written an actual heart-felt truly my own post before, well that has been posted in the end anyways, that hasn't got something some one else has written, eg a song, or given me an idea from a post on theor own blog. I think the reason I am writting so much is because it sort of feels like I have no one else to tell this to as I usually tell Stina everything abou me and who I like when i first start liking them but this subject is one I just don't want to tell her about, well not yet anyway.
What I need is a sense of peace on what I should do about it all, I don't want to be one of those girls who need a man to be complete, but on the other hand I do feel like I want someone I can get truley lost in God with.
Yup...it's the shape of the cross. And this is what an actual lamanin molecule looks like: