I think there is something wrong with me, I'd like to say all the time but I just dont know; so there is deffinately something wrong with me today. I just can't do anything, not like I'm crap at it all I mean, it's like I just can't do anything. I just don't work today, I'm broken. The worst thing is, is that I have no cluse as to why. It might hve something to do with talking to Ben last night on facebook, maybe after talking to him I get a little depressed because of our/my situation. But then again at the moment I am struggling with my relationship with one of my supposed best friends. I say supossed as I don't know where we are anymore. She keeps lying to me and has now broken two promises that she made to me only this month! and I just do not know what to do about it. Should I confront her, in a loving way, and tell her I know even though I have no real 'proof' other than a drunken text she tried to send to him which she sent to another of our friends, Laura, who showed me and forwarded it to me. Not for malisious reason might I add, but because I asked her to and she is also very worried this girl, lets call her Verity. We are both extremely worried about Verity as we don't know what to do or if we should do anything. The thing is though, Verity is hiding this from everyone other than "Steph" as well as hiding other things from people who should know them, like the leader of the church youth group she helps lead. Really, she put me into a very difficult postion by telling me some things as I too help lead prt of the youth and I know that the Leader needs to know them but I can't tell them. Not only because it is not y place, but because, well because I just can't. Not sure how to explain why I couldn't do it but I just couldn't. Not yet at least. If the situation Verity is lying to me about gets worse, I may have to the youth leader. But I won't yet.
all I need to deal with at the moment is trying to talk to her about ti and not acting differently around her, I'm not doing it on purpose, but I just am keeping slightly distanced from her. I would usually be joking and laughing andmessing aound but I am just not able to do it at this pointin time. I think it's becaue whenever I look at her I just think "Why do you keep lying to me, Verity? Do you not trust me anymore?!"
What's worse, I think I'm making myself physically ill over this. Have never worried about something like this before. I just don't understand! I guess Verity and her lying are the reason that I am not able to focus on any of my work. Tonight it will be worse, I wil have to put on a false smile and pretend like there is nothing wrong as I have my small group meeting (a group of girls from the youth I dicsiple and mentor) as I don't want them to see what's wrong as I would have to lie to them as to what it is about and I don't want to have to so basicaly it will just be easier to 'put on a brave face'.
Well any ways I best at least try to do some work.
forgot to post.. so I tried to work, didn't but i feel slightly better as i have messed around with my college friends. - classic times!
About Me
- Nicola
- Jesus has captured my heart... I'm a 'there's always a silver lining' kind of girl. I love making people laugh & smile and seeing people reach their dreams.
Friday 30 January 2009
Thursday 29 January 2009
Apple-flavoured Lip Gloss
Isn't it strange the way a song can make you feel? How some randoms words strung together thrown along with some chords and a melody yet it can make your see the world, or more amazing, how you see yourself. What's more that amazes me is how a song that is clearly about one thing yet it can mean something entirely different to you.
I have recently found a song that instantly changes my mod for the better as soon as I hear note of the piano. It's Called Little Joanna by McFly, if you just read the words a lot, if not mot do not make sense. For example
"I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace!"
But when you put the whole song together, it just seems so beautiful and written from the heart. It makes me wish I was little Joanna and I made some one think like that. Like whatever came out of their mouth made no sense to anyone but me. Like it was a sort of private joke that no one other than the two of us understood. Just so you know what I'm harping on about, here is the whole of the song.
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
Coconut cream on coffee colored thighs
I could die lying in her arms
Where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
CHORUS:
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
(Little Joanna)
Little Joanna's like a laser beam sky
Gluteous Maximus like a firefly
And that's why I'm a kissaphobic
Where cellulite dreams were made, like lemonade,
But when the shivers are salty and sea foam's the colour of space
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
God, I love Joanna
But she don't understand much
I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace
And feeling I got reckless
When Joanna's here
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
I could die lying in her arms
where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
When Joanna's here
When Joanna is here (x12)
Sunkissed trampoline
Up and down I'm my heart (x4)
Probably doesn't mean much to you, but to me, it sort of feels like a promise, that I will have that someday but I just need to wait on what, well who, God has planned for me to share my life with.
I have recently found a song that instantly changes my mod for the better as soon as I hear note of the piano. It's Called Little Joanna by McFly, if you just read the words a lot, if not mot do not make sense. For example
"I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace!"
But when you put the whole song together, it just seems so beautiful and written from the heart. It makes me wish I was little Joanna and I made some one think like that. Like whatever came out of their mouth made no sense to anyone but me. Like it was a sort of private joke that no one other than the two of us understood. Just so you know what I'm harping on about, here is the whole of the song.
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
Coconut cream on coffee colored thighs
I could die lying in her arms
Where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
CHORUS:
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
(Little Joanna)
Little Joanna's like a laser beam sky
Gluteous Maximus like a firefly
And that's why I'm a kissaphobic
Where cellulite dreams were made, like lemonade,
But when the shivers are salty and sea foam's the colour of space
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
God, I love Joanna
But she don't understand much
I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace
And feeling I got reckless
When Joanna's here
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
I could die lying in her arms
where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
When Joanna's here
When Joanna is here (x12)
Sunkissed trampoline
Up and down I'm my heart (x4)
Probably doesn't mean much to you, but to me, it sort of feels like a promise, that I will have that someday but I just need to wait on what, well who, God has planned for me to share my life with.
Tuesday 27 January 2009
Up and dowwn in my heart, turned into jelly beans
Lord,
I want an Edward Cullen. I really, really don't want a Tom Lefroy anymore, I don't think I ever really did. But I'm sure you know that. I guess, in reality, I have always wanted to feel adored, loved, or just wanted by someone. Never having felt that before, other than from you God, I sometimes feel I that I never will; like I will always be left alone. With everyone around me loved, and me left on my todd outside in the rain. Yeah I don't know why I'd be in the rain but that's how I see it.
I love how incoherent I am sometimes yet I know that you understand every word so clearly as though it was said by a perfectly spoken person. You amaze me Lord, you make a world so beautiful, beyond brilliance, yet you made me. You made ME. Of all the things you could have made instead, you chose me. Every cell, every essence of who I am comes from you. Why make me when there are so many more important things you could have made in my place? You grace and love astounds me, O Lord.
Thank you for the desires of my heart, I know they are from you and that you will, one day, grant them to me, better than I could have ever planned for myself.
Amen.
I want an Edward Cullen. I really, really don't want a Tom Lefroy anymore, I don't think I ever really did. But I'm sure you know that. I guess, in reality, I have always wanted to feel adored, loved, or just wanted by someone. Never having felt that before, other than from you God, I sometimes feel I that I never will; like I will always be left alone. With everyone around me loved, and me left on my todd outside in the rain. Yeah I don't know why I'd be in the rain but that's how I see it.
I love how incoherent I am sometimes yet I know that you understand every word so clearly as though it was said by a perfectly spoken person. You amaze me Lord, you make a world so beautiful, beyond brilliance, yet you made me. You made ME. Of all the things you could have made instead, you chose me. Every cell, every essence of who I am comes from you. Why make me when there are so many more important things you could have made in my place? You grace and love astounds me, O Lord.
Thank you for the desires of my heart, I know they are from you and that you will, one day, grant them to me, better than I could have ever planned for myself.
Amen.
Sunday 18 January 2009
Down.Went.Another.One!
Some times they suck. Just wanna have fun with them but they just wann have fun with each other - without you. Maybe it's your own fault, maybe your not exciting enough. Or people just get bored of pretending to laugh at your crap-unfunny jokes they usually they laugh at just to humour you.
Down Goes Another One.
You try your hardest at church, at college - at life. But you always seem to fall short, it's never quite enough, never what they want. Or sometimes not even what you want. Maybe they all think you should be like her, after all, she made. Your only here ecause of her. And him. And him too but sometimes it feels like they also wish you weren't here.
Down Goes Another One.
Okay, so I wrote that on Saturday night when I was (feeling) being left out of everything by Stina and Abbie. But I'm good now. Everything just sort of came out, all the bad stuff I had let myself build up inside into this giant firey, ball of mush and crappyness, just sort of un-mushes into words. Those words.
But it's all gravy, still feel left out and want what they have but just want it from someone of my own. Basically I want my Daisy/Becky-pre-year-9-summer-hols back. Or at least what we had but with some one I actually see very often and can just spill and go crazy with. I want it to be like Buffy and Faith - the boy slayers! were in year 5. If you want that explained just comment.
Ily, xx
Down Goes Another One.
You try your hardest at church, at college - at life. But you always seem to fall short, it's never quite enough, never what they want. Or sometimes not even what you want. Maybe they all think you should be like her, after all, she made. Your only here ecause of her. And him. And him too but sometimes it feels like they also wish you weren't here.
Down Goes Another One.
Okay, so I wrote that on Saturday night when I was (feeling) being left out of everything by Stina and Abbie. But I'm good now. Everything just sort of came out, all the bad stuff I had let myself build up inside into this giant firey, ball of mush and crappyness, just sort of un-mushes into words. Those words.
But it's all gravy, still feel left out and want what they have but just want it from someone of my own. Basically I want my Daisy/Becky-pre-year-9-summer-hols back. Or at least what we had but with some one I actually see very often and can just spill and go crazy with. I want it to be like Buffy and Faith - the boy slayers! were in year 5. If you want that explained just comment.
Ily, xx
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