todays diary entry...

Sometimes I really hate watching chicky-flicky, rommy-commy type films. I mean, I love them, but sometimes I really, really hate them too! One of my faves is deffo Angus, Thongs and perfect snogging which means it is also one of my worst: this is because this specific one is about a girl who’s fourteen turning fifteen and hasn’t had a boyfriend yet or had her first kiss – as well as her not being the ‘proper fittie’. All of these things I related to other than the age thing, so… I’ve never had a real boyfriend, ergo never had a first real kiss and I’m SO not a fittie at all (so far basically the same as the character in the film/book) BUT I’m not fourteen going on fifteen, I’ve just turned eighteen! Aka --> how looserish and sad am I?! Now you can see why I haven’t had the first bf or kiss, well, I kinda had a first kiss but it was more of a non kiss so we’re not gonna go there. Not sure where my sister (16) is on the scale but I do know that I’m like at the bottom or not even on it! Major suckage!!

(am thinking this post really isn’t as serious sounding or written as previous posts but this is how my head sounds when its spilled out onto paper [or keyboard in this case] so just think yourself lucky you don’t read my diary thing as you would have a right nervy b trying to understand it)

The worst thing about it is that I have my main group I hang out with, of which I am the oldest, and most if not all are further along the ‘boy scale’ than I am. I’m not unhappy for them about them having boyfriends and me not… I guess really I just kind of jealous. How even more looserish am I now; I’m envious of like a sixteen year old! And the other loved up peoples in our lil gang. Take Stina for example, she’s sixteen going seventeen (hehe like the Sound of Music song) and even though she’s not going out with Liam, she likes him and he likes her back. He says things to her and about her which every girl longs to be told or to hear. Then there’s Tammy: she has just turned sixteen a few months ago and a super lovely bf who is also a Christian. And there are more of our gang with stories much like theirs but I can’t be bummed to tell you them all. But basically what they would point to is more of the fact I am a sad minging loner. Sure, I may be funny, but that’s not really what a guy looks for in gf/future wifey material is it?! If it was id at least have a fighting chance as I am funny and that’s about it but as they don’t I really do not see how it is gonna happen for me. Sometime I really think life would have been easier if I was born as a boy. Maybe I’d have been a real fittie, Christian (obviously), have a sexy name like Gregory, but not get called Greg as that’s like an old man name, and be like a real nice guy. Lol. Love it.

Anyhoo, I should probs be off doing something “worth while”, yeah like getting out how I feel isn’t worthwhile, I mean if I didn’t I could have like a REAL nervy b, going crazy and then deffo be in no chance in the history of the world ever of getting married. So, slaters peoples! mwah!

x

"Who Cares?
William Booth

On one of my recent journeys, as I gazed from the coach window, I was led into a train of thought concerning the condition of the multitudes around me. They were living carelessly in the most open and shameless rebellion against God, without a thought for their eternal welfare."
Journal of Aggressive Christianity Issue 4,
December 1999 - January 2000

As Soon as I read this I thought about a girl in my college class, and all of them I guess, but one girl in particular. Hannah and i are 'working on her' but some times it feels like we're not getting anywhere from the things she's doing and saying. She has told us that she is "sort of searching but I'm not sure if I really want to know because I like the way I am most of the time." She has so much she could give and there is so much more God could giver her if she would just take Him into her life and her heart. I really feel that god has imparted upon me some of His heart - I know (in part as completely I recon could probably..yes I'm being literal here.. kill me) how it feels for God to not have His children love him and need him in return. So many times I have had my heart broken for His people. It's not just a feeling but there's actually physical pain. It feels like my heart is being ripped in two; and when God has broken it, it's usually just for one or maybe on the odd occasion two people for a short period of time before He puts my heart back together again. Yet our Lord Father God has it all the time for everyone who does not love him in return. I'm sure that if people could only feel what I do when He brakes my heart for them they would have no choice but to repent and turn to him. They would know the immenseness of His love, grace and mercy. It would blow their minds to know that some one out there feels, and has felt, so incredibly for them though they themselves have not cared for/about or even acknowledged the existence of the one loving them.

Any way. I just wanted to right that down before I forgot it so now I will get back on with reading the rest or Jacob's post. x

OoOoOoOoh! Get me...

I've had like two or three other blogs and I have always said on them I want them to be more serious than not but they have always fallen through and been a lot of nothing really. But I don't think i specified how 'real' I wanted this new blog to be and looking through most if not all the posts, they are quite 'real'. Never thought it would happen :]

If any one who knows me/has my Facebook reads this, I don't even know if anyone reads it (maybe that's why I'm ok with saying real things that actually matter to me on here) but if you do have my Facebook and want to see what Ben looks like just check out my profile photo.

Anyhoo, this was just meant to be a quick post about my Profile picture in case anyone did want to see 'the man of my desires' - hehe.. couldn't think of what to say as "the guy I fancy" just sounds so, well immature and I like him more than just a crush so that's out too. :]