todays diary entry...

Sometimes I really hate watching chicky-flicky, rommy-commy type films. I mean, I love them, but sometimes I really, really hate them too! One of my faves is deffo Angus, Thongs and perfect snogging which means it is also one of my worst: this is because this specific one is about a girl who’s fourteen turning fifteen and hasn’t had a boyfriend yet or had her first kiss – as well as her not being the ‘proper fittie’. All of these things I related to other than the age thing, so… I’ve never had a real boyfriend, ergo never had a first real kiss and I’m SO not a fittie at all (so far basically the same as the character in the film/book) BUT I’m not fourteen going on fifteen, I’ve just turned eighteen! Aka --> how looserish and sad am I?! Now you can see why I haven’t had the first bf or kiss, well, I kinda had a first kiss but it was more of a non kiss so we’re not gonna go there. Not sure where my sister (16) is on the scale but I do know that I’m like at the bottom or not even on it! Major suckage!!

(am thinking this post really isn’t as serious sounding or written as previous posts but this is how my head sounds when its spilled out onto paper [or keyboard in this case] so just think yourself lucky you don’t read my diary thing as you would have a right nervy b trying to understand it)

The worst thing about it is that I have my main group I hang out with, of which I am the oldest, and most if not all are further along the ‘boy scale’ than I am. I’m not unhappy for them about them having boyfriends and me not… I guess really I just kind of jealous. How even more looserish am I now; I’m envious of like a sixteen year old! And the other loved up peoples in our lil gang. Take Stina for example, she’s sixteen going seventeen (hehe like the Sound of Music song) and even though she’s not going out with Liam, she likes him and he likes her back. He says things to her and about her which every girl longs to be told or to hear. Then there’s Tammy: she has just turned sixteen a few months ago and a super lovely bf who is also a Christian. And there are more of our gang with stories much like theirs but I can’t be bummed to tell you them all. But basically what they would point to is more of the fact I am a sad minging loner. Sure, I may be funny, but that’s not really what a guy looks for in gf/future wifey material is it?! If it was id at least have a fighting chance as I am funny and that’s about it but as they don’t I really do not see how it is gonna happen for me. Sometime I really think life would have been easier if I was born as a boy. Maybe I’d have been a real fittie, Christian (obviously), have a sexy name like Gregory, but not get called Greg as that’s like an old man name, and be like a real nice guy. Lol. Love it.

Anyhoo, I should probs be off doing something “worth while”, yeah like getting out how I feel isn’t worthwhile, I mean if I didn’t I could have like a REAL nervy b, going crazy and then deffo be in no chance in the history of the world ever of getting married. So, slaters peoples! mwah!

x

"Who Cares?
William Booth

On one of my recent journeys, as I gazed from the coach window, I was led into a train of thought concerning the condition of the multitudes around me. They were living carelessly in the most open and shameless rebellion against God, without a thought for their eternal welfare."
Journal of Aggressive Christianity Issue 4,
December 1999 - January 2000

As Soon as I read this I thought about a girl in my college class, and all of them I guess, but one girl in particular. Hannah and i are 'working on her' but some times it feels like we're not getting anywhere from the things she's doing and saying. She has told us that she is "sort of searching but I'm not sure if I really want to know because I like the way I am most of the time." She has so much she could give and there is so much more God could giver her if she would just take Him into her life and her heart. I really feel that god has imparted upon me some of His heart - I know (in part as completely I recon could probably..yes I'm being literal here.. kill me) how it feels for God to not have His children love him and need him in return. So many times I have had my heart broken for His people. It's not just a feeling but there's actually physical pain. It feels like my heart is being ripped in two; and when God has broken it, it's usually just for one or maybe on the odd occasion two people for a short period of time before He puts my heart back together again. Yet our Lord Father God has it all the time for everyone who does not love him in return. I'm sure that if people could only feel what I do when He brakes my heart for them they would have no choice but to repent and turn to him. They would know the immenseness of His love, grace and mercy. It would blow their minds to know that some one out there feels, and has felt, so incredibly for them though they themselves have not cared for/about or even acknowledged the existence of the one loving them.

Any way. I just wanted to right that down before I forgot it so now I will get back on with reading the rest or Jacob's post. x

OoOoOoOoh! Get me...

I've had like two or three other blogs and I have always said on them I want them to be more serious than not but they have always fallen through and been a lot of nothing really. But I don't think i specified how 'real' I wanted this new blog to be and looking through most if not all the posts, they are quite 'real'. Never thought it would happen :]

If any one who knows me/has my Facebook reads this, I don't even know if anyone reads it (maybe that's why I'm ok with saying real things that actually matter to me on here) but if you do have my Facebook and want to see what Ben looks like just check out my profile photo.

Anyhoo, this was just meant to be a quick post about my Profile picture in case anyone did want to see 'the man of my desires' - hehe.. couldn't think of what to say as "the guy I fancy" just sounds so, well immature and I like him more than just a crush so that's out too. :]

Moving On...

Okay so I was meant to have posted something else before I posted this as I was going to start off by saying "I know in my last post I said...." but I don't seem t actually have posted what I started writing and its not in my drafts, but hey ho I shall just say it with out relating it back to a previous post.

Well there is this guy at my church called Darren who is doing an Impact Year - working unpaid for the church for a year. He already went to my church but had recently become a Christian the year before - his love of Jesus was incredibly deep for a 'new Christian' but that made me like him more when I realised I liked him. I will remember the exact moment I started liking Darren as it was such a strange thing to happen to make you like some one - he laughed at me (told you it was a strange thing). It was at Youth Cell in April this year I think, can't remember for certain other than it was a bit before Maycamp at Southend. I didn't tell anyone I liked him until the weekend after when it was the Lets Go weekend. I have liked him ever since, wasn't sure at the beginning of Newday if I still did but that was just because I hadn't seen or spent any time with him in a couple of weeks. But after being at Newday and spending lots of time with him, I knew I did still like him and that actually I liked him a lot more as I had gotten to know him better and had seen that we found it easy to get on with each other and that we have a similar sense of humour which I think is important in a partner… that you can laugh at each other, at yourselves in front of each other and at random things with the other person.. We would laugh about stupid, seemingly unfunny things for ages, twas great.
Well the reason I am telling you all of this stuff is because I have made a decision about liking him --> I need to stop it. This is because it is too hard liking some one and wanting them to like you back but knowing and that even if you found out they did that nothing could come of it for at least four years - he's on Impact now (they aren't 'allowed' to date), I will be on Impact next year and when I am on it he will be at Uni in Southampton for at least three years! I mean yeah I do really like him, but not knowing if he likes me the same or ever could is not something I want to be doing for the next four years of my life. I'm not saying he's not worth it, I'm sure he is, but it just seems that there is too much in the way of him and I getting together and not knowing makes it seem pointless waiting all that time for him to then come home and be like "yeah everyone meet my gf/fiance" and then be all crushed just because I clung onto something that wasn't likely to happen in the first place.
But in a way I guess it's a good thing I am trying to stop myself from liking him as there is some one else I kind of like. Well not really kind of, I do like him. His name is Ben and he is twenty three, twenty four next year. He is a Christian, lives just outside Gloucester with his mum and dad. He has two brothers, Phil and George – both older. We met in 2006 when I was 15 and he was 21 at Faith Camp and have seen him once a year for a week every year since then; other than one time when he was going out with Sarah (Stina’s sister) and he came down for a visit. Don’t worry I’m not trying to steal her boyfriend they broke up around last New Years and he has had another girlfriend since but they broke up as it wasn’t working and she wasn’t a Christian – you think there might be a link there too? Since Faith camp we chatted on Facebook and stuff and I didn’t think I ‘fancied’ him but then when he came down for my birthday party and I saw him getting on well with all my buds and I had a chance to chat to him in person I felt like my feelings for him grew more from being just great buds to wanting us to be more than that.

What a surprise – I like another guy I can’t have! Seriously, what’s wrong with me, why do I always do this to myself? I have never liked anyone ‘within my reach’ or who I am good enough for. There was Sam Burrows: was never going to happen because he was in love with Hat and she was in love with him... But they weren’t going out (He was on Impact with us). Then there was Robbie from a different church… didn’t ‘like-like’ him just thought he was yummy I guess, never goon happen as I’m not yummy aka he was way out of my league. Next was Darren – Reason above of why it could never happen and now there is Ben. I told Hannah how I felt bout him today; she is the only one who knows. I know I should tell Lottey and Stina as they are as close to him as I am and it just feels like they should know (plus I was really hurt when I found out Stina had liked Liam for ages and kept telling me she didn’t when it was obvious she did) but I am just scared of what they might say. He’s like our friend – almost like a brother to us and I have said that as WAS like a brother to me but now I seem to like him more than I would if he were just a brother to me. If I were to tell Ben that I liked him and he was then to tell me he felt the same I wouldn't want to tell Lottey and Stina straight away. I would want to spend more time with Ben just the two us and pray about whether or not we might have a future together or if we should just be friends. But all I can do for now is talk to him on Facebook and texts just getting to know him even better before I even think about getting close to telling him how I really feel about him and what I wuold like us to mean to each other.

This post has taken me so long to write for amny different reasons, the main reson being that I trying to do it at college instead of doing the work I should be doing, but it is also because I seem to be finding it hard talking about how I feel (not something that is normal for me) as it just doesn't seem to be coming out coherently (something that is normal for me). I don't think I have Ever written an actual heart-felt truly my own post before, well that has been posted in the end anyways, that hasn't got something some one else has written, eg a song, or given me an idea from a post on theor own blog. I think the reason I am writting so much is because it sort of feels like I have no one else to tell this to as I usually tell Stina everything abou me and who I like when i first start liking them but this subject is one I just don't want to tell her about, well not yet anyway.

What I need is a sense of peace on what I should do about it all, I don't want to be one of those girls who need a man to be complete, but on the other hand I do feel like I want someone I can get truley lost in God with.

The star breather became the cross bearer.

Psalm 33:6 - "By the breath of the LORD the heavens were made, and by the breath of his mouth all their hosts." (English Standard Version)

All he had to do was breathe and the wondrous stars were made, like the Whirlpool Galaxy (pictured at the side) were made. The little Cross at the bottom of the photo is in the middle of the black hole that the Hubble telescope found to be in the center of the Whirlpool Galaxy. Firstly WOW! And secondly how small - in a good way - does that make you feel? Just that alone astounds my understanding of God. He breathed Jesus' death into the sky, it's up there over us singing God's glory and magnificence.

The Switchfoot song Stars really speaks of how how looking at the stars makes me feel, I really and truly see God's awesomeness in the stars. The goes like this:

Maybe I've been the problem

Maybe I'm the one to blame

But even when I turn it off and blame myself

The outcome feels the same

I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy

Maybe I'm the chance of rain

And maybe I'm overcast

And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone,

Everyone you looks so lonely

But when I look at the stars

When I look at the stars

When I look at the stars, I see someone else

When I look at the stars

The stars, I feel like myself

Stars looking at a planet

Watching entropy and pain

And maybe to start to wonder

How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I've been thinking 'bout the meaning of resistance

Of a hope beyond my own

And suddenly the infinite and penitent

Begin to look like home

I've been thinking about everyone

Everyone you looks so empty

But when I look at the stars

When I look at the stars

When I look at the stars, I see someone else

When I look at the stars

The stars, I feel like myself.

Yeah!

Everyone, Everyone feels so lonely

Everyone, yeah everyone feels so empty

When I look at the stars

When I look at the stars

When I look at the stars, I feel like myself

When I look at the stars

The stars, I see someone...

So the part of this song that I love the most is the chorus. I really do feel like myswelf when I

look at the stars, I feel like I AM Niki, at that moment I am who the LORD our God made me to be.

Okay here's another thign that blows my mind every time I hear about it/ see it/ think about it: LAMANIN. This is what Yahoo Answers says it is "Lamanin is basically a protein in the extracellular matrix that helps hold together epithelial tissue cells - it's part of the stuff that basically hold us together." So what this means is that if we did not have this 'glue' called Lamanin holding us together we wouldnt be able to exsist. And why does this blow your mind I hear you ask. Well it completely, 100% rocks my socks because of its structure...

Yup...it's the shape of the cross. And this is what an actual lamanin molecule looks like:

And that is what I will leave you with...

Remember..You're a spaceship my child!

This is a bit of a cop-out post as it's just gonna be songs and snippets of songs that blow my mind.

JESUS MORNING STAR - THE MOVE BAND
We're Waking up a generation
To tell the world of all you are
Lord your kingdom is advancing
Demonstrating your power

Jesus - morning star
You are king forever
Jesus - the Saviour
Of all the nations

Your kingdom's advancing
We hear the army matching
With songs of salvation
To heal a broken nation

Your kingdom's advancing
We hear the army matching
Proclaiming Your victory
You changed the course of history


WE CAN HEAR THE VICTORY - THE MOVE BAND
We can hear the victory
The sound of freedon and liberty
Your will be done on earth
The furture's won

Now is the time to see a generation
Stand up and fight advance in this nation
Now is the time for saints to start moving
Rise in faith and turn the world to Him


HOPE OF GLORY - THE MOVE BAND
You are the hope of glory
That lives within me
The only one
You are the resolution
For all the nations
The only one


NOTHING - THE MOVE BAND
You are all supreme
You're my everything
Robed in majesty
Hailed in sovreignty

Nothing, Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing, Nothing can match Your Majesty
Nothing, Nothing can take your glory from You
You are King, all supreme, over everything


There are others I want to put up but not right now, I'm sure I will want to do thi anoyher time. But not now.

Peace out! x

So the story begins.

It all started the day the new neighbours moved in next door. The twin girls were so annoying, "Claudia! Where are you?!" "I over in the pony home darling." All we ever heard from next door was pony this, pony that or the seemingly constant coming and going of cars and automobiles they owned. Then one day as i was in the garden running up and down the garden, I heard the singing of some one who wasn't Claudia or Maive, the terrible twins, or Mr and Mrs Ermyn. It was a new voice, masculine yet welcoming and soft.

"Excuse me, Miss?" I stop dead in my tracks. "Huh? Miss... Miss as in me, you mean?" I say to the trees not being at a point in the garden as to where I could see through the hedge. "Yes. You. Can you help me with a little something?" I slowly begin to walk down the slope to get a look at the person behind the intriguing, whilst still voice of the stranger. Again, i stop dead in my tracks. "Wow" I thought, he certainly wasn't what I expected...

Love you Daddykins! :]

Have you ever longed for something so much that it actually hurt? I have (well do) and its not something silly like a boyfriend or to have every series of the OC on DVD - which i do want 'cos flipping LOVE The OC. Its my dad, well to be specific, it's for my dad to become a Christian.. and soon. Me and dad didn't used to get on much at all, we always seemed to be arguing. But now that mum.. well lets just say she took away almost 100% a problem dad had spiritually, now, we get along amazingly and I love him all the time, whereas before I am ashamed to say sometimes I didn't. I just know that if he were a christian, we would be even closer and have so much more to talk about; life basically would absolutely be wonderful, ever through all the bad times I would still have the beautiful peace in my heart knowing that my dad would be going to Heaven one day too. I would be able to worship our Lord and Creator beside my dad. I don't know what I would do if dad died before he believed the truth, all I know is; I would need a whole lot of prayer!
I so badly want him to share me faith by the time I get married, to have him worshiping God and not just singing at my wedding would make the day so much more special.

Bouncey Bouncey - White Socks Slippin' Down

Okay, so the new me thing hasn't really gone as planned. I tried, I even tried making my self throw up but I must have done it wrong as it wouldn't work. Oh well, just got to keep on trying to change how I look.
Note to self: don't give up and stay a fattie, become a fittie!


I have found myself missing a lot of my old school friends rather a lot at the moment. Not too sure why it has come on so strong all of a sudden as I already missed them loads. Just want to see everyone and have a good old party and a dance. Two dances in particular: (1) the lawnmower.. don't know who made that one up.. and (2) the picnic-bargain dance.. made up by Grace and me. Although there are talks about changing its name to 'The Shit Good-Bargain Dance'. Will let you know how it all ends up :] (bit of an l'n'g there).

I feel like I'm in a very random mood just now, want to say a load of random quotes from films and my life, but I really shouldn't as you probably won't have a clue what they mean. But for that reason I'm gonna say 'em anyways!

So, quotes and stuff i love atm:

• the Bouncy Bouncy Crimp


• I like the radio: it plays pretty pictures


• Shit-good Bread


• EELS/New Rave song


• Anything Mighty Boosh - just bought series 3: LOVE IT!


• Jean Claude Jaquettie


• the Pancake Crimp


• the Soup Crimp


• the Moon Song


• any stuff to do with the Mighty Boosh Moon


• lots of other crimps that I can't find anymore


• We'll blast you with our crimp pump!


• Shake your tale feather Louis! (my cousin who is 6, he does a tale shaking bum dance)
• Sometimes affection is just a shy flower that takes time to blossom
• Some day we'll know
• Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?

I'm sure there are lots more quotes ect. that are floating my boat at the moment, but I can't be arsed to write them down/they're not coming to mind.

A New Day, A New Blog, A New Me.

I have finally had enough of being looked at and judged. Of being called fat and lazy. I know I have properly said this so many times before but this time I really am going to try my hardest to stick to it.



You see, every time my brother Rob comes home from Uni, he always finds a way to make me feel like a fat and worthless human being, who is no where near (and never could be) any where as good at, well, life than he is. My other brother Chris also makes me feel like a giant piece of turd when he comes back from Uni as well. I bet I sound like a right depreesed kid but usually I'm 'one happy chappy' as my old teacher used to say. They just make me feel stupid.



So now, I am going to only talk to them if they talk to me, as that way I should be giving them less oppotunities to make fun of me. Also, another thing I can do to give them less amo to throw at me is to get my self thinner. Being a 5'0½, 17 year old size 16/18 isn't something I can say I like being. I need to not anly be thinner but I also want to be a hec of a lot more healthier than I am now. Luckily for me, my dad has just bought an old exercize bike off ebay which helps alot. Also I have an old trampet thing under my bed which is good fun, but it's so much effort to get out and put away that I hardly ever go on it. Bit that's all about to change. I am about to change. My world is about to change. And yes, I do know that it's not gonna happen over night and that it will be hard, but flip me I know it'll be worth it.