Twas The Night Before I Turned 25.

Last year's birthday-eve post was a bit crap - sorry about that. So, as my tradition goes, it's my birthday tomorrow therefore it's time for me to take stock of my previous year/my life, most people do this around the new year, but let's be honest, I'm not most people. Never have been, never will.

That seems like a good place to start: I'm not sure you could ever have called me normal, maybe as a kid but only because most/all kids are 'weird' so I seemed just like the rest of them. But as I grew up, my peers seemed to learn to become 'normal' but I think really everyone else just learned how to hide their weird and I never did. As a teen, some times that was a hard thing to live with, never really feeling like I fit anywhere, so much so that going from year 10 to 11 I completely changed friendship groups, I was still friends with my old friends, I just didn't hang around with them in school as much... I guess that's why I'm not really in contact with anyone I went to secondary school with. I sort ditched my years 7 - 10 friends and my year 11 friends were only my good friends for one year. Never really thought about it like this before.
But now I feel like I do fit, I have a great bunch of friends at Kings, some of whom are as equally happy to show their weirdness as I am, Naomi and I seem to have a bond strongly based on our love of our mutual weirdness. I still have Christina, Liam, Abbie and Lottey as my Favourites - along with their Littles: Ava and Jackson who belong to Abbie and Isla who belongs to Liam and Christina. But since August I have come to realise that I have found my Person, after waiting a long time for them, it turned out they had been in my life for over 3 years - Helen is my Person! I knew we were close and that she was one of my Favourites but it wasn't until we spent the 30th August together at charity thing her boyfriend was putting on that I realised she was my best friend. We drunkenly declared our BF status to each other as Helen and her friend, Anton, dropped me home whilst we hugged goodbye. and then at the beginning of last month, I believe it was, I was on Pinterest looking at Grey's Anatomy stuff and something about knowing who your Person was popped up that I knew I had found my person at last! If you're not sure what I mean by Person, google about Grey's, Person, Meredith and Cristina and then all will become abundantly clear. So yeah, I finally feel like I belong. And it is amazing.

I mentioned Jackson earlier, he is Abbie and Paul's son, and I love him a lot. A lot, a lot. His full name is Jackson Christopher Bromely, so his initials are JCB, therefore I call him Digger, which may turn into Diggle but we'll see how Digger goes first. He was born on the 9th of June at 4:09pm, I found out he had arrived by texting Abbie to see if there had been any movement as she was overdue - I literally squealed during the adverts at the Cinema, my friends told me to shoosh until I showed her the picture of little Digger Abbie had sent me. Loved him from that moment on. Meaning I now have 3 tiny humans who have stolen pieces of my heart. Ava - who just turned 4 (whaaaat?! Where did that time go!), Isla  - 1, and now the tiniest of them all, Digger - 5 months tomorrow.

I still struggle with my weight and appearance - I had 2 rather large meltdowns last month. One when I was walking up a hill with Naomi, Serena and her friends for her birthday. and the second last Thursday evening after going shopping for a dress to wear out for Helen's Halloween birthday night at Mungos - I got home after finding nothing in Crawley that would even remotely fit and wanted to make myself sick. I didn't. But I really wanted to. In the end I wore my black lacy cocktail dress and went as a mouse, duh! It was so much fun and I looked gooood! Plus Helen and I declared our love for each other and best friend status all over again - it seems to be becoming a habit for when we get drunk together, I wonder if it will happen at our work Christmas Do? If we get drunk, mostly likely yes! okay, not it sounds like we get drunk a lot, we don't. It's only happened the 2 times I've mentioned, and the reason I think it could happen at the Christmas Do is because they can be kind of boring as we are some of the youngest girls at nursery so... yeah, its definitely a possibility.
Anyways, back to the subject at hand; it isn't as bad as it used to be, now I just get attacks/meltdowns every once in a while. They aren't normally that close to each other either. It used to be that most mornings I would look at myself in the mirror and feel disgust. Or anytime I looked in the mirror actually. But over the years I have come to decide that even though I am an unhealthy weight, I can and do look good. Not all the time, I mean, have you seen how I look at/after work?! No, but honestly, I have come to a place now where I know what works on my body and what doesn't. I make more of an effort with my hair and make-up too outside or work: not for anyone but me. Mostly. I do believe I will arrive at a day when I am fully happy with how I look, maybe not happy, content. I will be content with what I see in my reflection and not just because I will have shifted the weight I've been trying to loose for years but because I will truly love who I am, Who the Father made me to be.

(Wow this post is longer than last year's tiddler!)

I try to make more opportunities myself as a posed to waiting for someone else to bring them to me. What I mean is that I am trying to take life by the horns instead of just going with the flow. I want to look back on my life in years to come and see the amazing experiences I had and not wonder at the things I could have done. I will always long for adventure and excitement and it seems I am learning to say yes to things and I go searching for adventure too now.

Right, it is 23:15 meaning I need to get ready for bed so I can be ready to go out for breakfast with Mumma, Lottey and maybe Farj at 9am. Then spending most of the day with the favourites (minus Helen as she'll be at work - BOO!) watching The Hunger Games and then takeaway kebab with Farj and Lottey then some of s2 are coming round for fireworks in the secret field! A busy, busy birthday. Nun-night! 

So, it is New Years Eve and I suppose it's time to both look back at the year almost over and forward to the one just about to start.
New Years Eve can seem such a let down when it gets build up to be an exciting night filled with possibility when you end up spending it at home with your sister and your parents doing nothing different to the rest of the nights of the Christmas holidays except perhaps having some champagne. But this year, I am going to choose to look at it differently. Yes my friends let me down on Christmas Eve so I was hoping they wouldn't as well on New Years Eve but never mind; I can enjoy the night without them. This year I am choosing to, even more so than I have done in the past, to look for the positives. I have always been a 'glass half-full' kind of girl but where possible I want to look for the glass to be 3/4 full. Now I'm not saying that I will belittle any of the hardships and crap that will come because that would be a ridiculous thing to do, but I will look harder for the good in bad situations and in everyday life.


Looking back...
At the start of last year I decided not to make resolutions because I always break them after a few weeks or months; so instead I made goals for the year. It might just seem like a different word for the same thing but to me, at least, it helped me stick to them. I think I made more than 3 but I know that the following 3 goals I actually managed.

1) To make more of an effort and have more pride in my appearance.

2) To make healthier choices; if this results in weight-loss, extra win!

3) To be brave.

I can honestly say that in some way or another I stuck to these goals and am proud of myself for it. None of them where made for anyone else and I did them for me, whereas in the past I have wanted to loose weight for others, for guys actually. hoping that if I lost a certain amount I might be seen as beautiful or even get a boyfriend. But that's not why I did any of them this year and it feels GREAT! Here are some of the ways I accomplished my 2014 goals.

1) It's not that I didn't care what I looked like before 2014 - sometimes I cared too much how others saw me - it was that I wasn't taking much pride in the everyday, unless I knew I was going to do something special or it was sometimes that I only cared about what others might think of the way I looked. So I chose this past year to look after my appearance for myself and myself only. But if others noticed/thought I looked good than that was just a bonus. And I did make much more of an effort, but it seems I didn't factor in the tame it takes to have pride in the way I presented myself as I'm sure I was later to things like church and going out with friends more than the previous year. I guess I've found a goal for 2015!

2) I have certainly made some more healthy choices in 2014 - never have I drunk so much during the day before this year. It has not been water as I just can't even force myself to drink lots of it, but I figure drinking squash and the like more is better than not drinking anything. I bought a bottle back in March or something and it is a litre bottle so it helps me know how much I have drunk and somehow it magically makes me drink so much more! Some days it's only 1 but other days it might be 1.5 or even 2 whole bottles. And that might not seem like a big achievement to you bu to me, who never used to drink anywhere near that, it's huge. Plus I have tried to snack on fruit more as well. Not done so well with that but I'm still working on it.

The Magical Bottle - I also have it in blue now!

Oh and I actually started Exante Diet again and as of before Christmas I had lots around 2 stone and can now fit into the dress I bought (knowingly 2 sizes smaller than I was at the time) for Chris and Alex's wedding on the 17th January! Might be a tight squeeze after the festive period if you know what I mean but I have hopefully enough time to drop any added weight with Exante and doing my Slim In 6 workout every day, or it might be 6 out of 7 days you're meant to but we'll seem how much weight I might have put back on in the last little while as I have been quite naughty!

3) At the start of December or maybe the end of November 2013 I developed feelings for a friend of mine and hoped/thought be might have feelings for me in return. But due to his role in the church he wouldn't have been allowed to start dating until mid-August so there was not point doing anything about it. But when i decided to make goals for the up-coming new year I remembered when a few years back I almost told a guy how I felt about him but missed my chance and how it felt seeing him with someone else and I knew I didn't want to be left wondering 'What if...?' for the second time. So when I decided I would Be Brave in 2014 I did have this in mind. So it came to the beginning of August, and obviously after chatting to my girls about telling Him - I couldn't not discuss it first now, could I? What kind of girl would that make me?! ;) - I did it. In a very awkward and probably silly way, I told Him I had feelings for him and had a for a while. It was quite clear from his long pause and the look on his face that he didn't feel the same so I then said I knew he didn't share my feelings (which was actually true, I had know for a week or so, maybe longer) and that I just needed to tell him for me and I hoped we could still be friends. Which of course he said yes to as he is a lovely lad. But I did it! Even though it terrified me to do it, the thought of forever not knowing and being stuck in the dreaded Friend Zone scared me even more. So a 'grew a pair' and did it just like Abbie told me too, in a loving way of course.

Isla was only a few hours old when she
 stole a piece of my heart.

There are other ways in which I have been brave and most it not all of them are to to with opening myself up to people and letting them in, but the above story is the one that was the hardest to do. and perhaps one day I might tell you the entire story. who knows?


This year has had both ups and downs as any year would, but the downs have been very down and the highs very high. So a bit of a rollercoaster of a year you could say.

Isla at Cranleigh Bonfire.

The main lows would be that I had a minor car accident where someone drive into the back of my little Gregory which I then suffered quite bad whiplash because of needed a short spin of physio  as a result, And then just as I was coming to terms with everything that happened to me, my best friend, Liam, was in a very serious car accident that the doctors said it was a miracle his injuries didn't result in any brain damage or loss of movement. He got airlifted from Sussex to the Royal London Hospital as they are the most equipped to deal with the severity of Liam's injuries. He is still on the mend but got to leave hospital so much quicker than the doctors all thought possible because of how many people he had praying for him. That was most certainly the worst thing to happen this year.

I love her cheekiness
so very much!

The highest of highs would be that Christina and Liam brought little Isla Elizabeth Rawlings into this world on the 23rd February. This precious little muffin is a truly gorgeous creature and I love her so very much. Other highs include making new friends at church and growing other relationships too and learning to share my life and heart with them and them doing so with me in return. Chis and Alex got engaged this year - finally. ;) And I got to hang out with Abbie and Ava lots more this year too! And a plethora (wow, good word there Cherry) of other grand things happened as well.


Looking forward...I seemed to have done well with 3 goals in 2014 so I shall set 4 goals for 2015 and see how I do with them in a years time.

She would only eat her toast
in the bath...

1) I want to be creative this year a lot more than ever before. I'm not going to limit myself by giving specific ways and amounts of creativity per week or whatever as I know that wont work for me but I do have lots of ideas that I want to do/continue so we shall see how well I do in 365 days time.

2) I want to learn to budget. and actually stick to it! I made a budget last January but that's all I did, make it. I didn't stick to it or think much about it at all really. In 2015 that will not be the case. I want to be in charge of my money and not have it the other way around!

3) I want to grow this coming year. Obviously not in height as let's be honest, that ain't never gonna happen anymore :( But! I want to grow in lots this year, my giftings, in knowledge, in bravery and courage, confidence, my faith/relationship with the Father, etc... There are so many things I would love to be able to say I've grown in in a years time.

4) Helen and I have both said we want 2015 to be the year of music: to see as many people/bands play music as we can. So this is a purely fun one but that's OK. Plus if possible learning to play something would be awesome too. I already have tickets to see Ed Sheeran play at Wembly in July with Ella so I have something to look forward too and hopefully I will see many more musicians play too. And not just famous people, I want to take any opportunity to see play live if I can!

I have lots of hings to look forward to this next year some of which I have mentioned but instead of just listing them here, i will try to post about them once they've happened. But don't hold me to it as well all know how not-great at blogging regularly I am!!

Therefore, goodnight, God bless and I look forward to next years recap with you!

The Night Before.

Not sure if I posted this time last year or if I just journaled; but I'm pretty sure for the last couple of years on the night before my birthday I've taken time to right a little something and sort of take stock. I have only just got home from a birthday meal with the Favourites and as it is 23:51 currently, I am going to continue the post in the morning but I needed to right a little something now.

I remember thinking that 22 had been good and I wondered what 23 would have in store for me. It has been a year of ups and downs of course (which I may go into in the morning) but looking back I have thoroughly enjoyed this past year and feel like life just keeps getting better and going by quicker which I'm not too happy about... 

Anyway, I am off to bed now and shall see you when I'm officially 24. Yay!! 

A few of my favourite things.

I have not posted in so very long and I want to start it up again as I so loved writing. 

I know I have started, and will continue again, The List which are things that I love but all of a sudden I had the erge to write about things that I love, but in mess detail that a whole post per item. I'm sure I will elaborate of some of the following things in future List posts but it now, here a few of my favourite things. 

I love to sing. I may not be very good at it but I love singing. Ugly singin on purpose is also lots of fun. I do wish I has a beautiful Serena-esque voice but I don't so I have learnt to love the one I've got. 

My favourite biscuits are still Bourbons. But I am quite partial to an Oreo or few dipped into ice cold milk. 

I love passion fruit Rekordalig. It is so delicious and lush or delushous! 

My favourite season is autumn. I love the change of the colours, the sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet. I love going for walks or being outside and getting cold ears and nose then coming in and getting all rosy cheeked from the change in temperature. 

I love teddies and soft toys. For Christmas his year my grandma and grandad got me and elephant called Elliot who holds a heart that says "Granddaughter, you're loved so much more than you know. And it seems as time passes, the nicer you grow." And I freaking love him. I slept cuddling him every night as I fell asleep fr 2 weeks straight or something. And yes, I am 23 years old now. I don't care. 

My hair. Even though some days I want to cut it short or even twice I have wanted to shave it all off because it won't behave, I love my hair. I love my curls and the unpredictability of how it will lookin the morning. Even more so when I go to bed with wet hair, It gives me such joy to look at in the morning so much so that I often laugh out loud at myself. 

I love hugs and cuddles and all things snuggle-like. Whomever I marry better like it too or he's gonna struggle! I even cuddle in my sleep, as you heard above. But apparently I do it to people too if they are sleeping next to me. So he better be ok with spooning, being big the big and little spoon! 

As I know you will already know if you have read any of my previous posts, I love Jesus with all my heart. I asked him to be my best friend and in charge when I was 8 at Stoneleigh bible week in 1999 and have never regretted it. I have had so many hard and crushing times in my life and knowing that my Father God is taking care of me and carrying me when I can't go on is the most incredible thing I know. My relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit is the only perfect relationship I will ever have. God, all 3 parts of him, is my first love.

My all time favourite flowers are daisies. I just love them. 

I love music. I cannot ay anything unfortunately but I still want to learn. I tried to learn the guitar a few years back but my fingers seemed to small so I gave up quickly. I regret it big time. Even though I cannot play a note, I love listening to music. Almost all genres but I am not a fan of metal, of any kind. They just sound angry all the time. I'm sure they are incredible musicians and singers but it is just not my mug of hot chocolate.

McFly are my favourite band. I have very album of their except their 10 years:RAH one as I have out myself on a budget and couldn't afford it this month. 

I love hot chocolate! My favourite brand is Options. I have yet to find a flavour o theirs I do not like. I do not like tea or coffee soni have tried a lot of kinds or hot chocolate! 

Going for walks without knowing how long I will be and where I am going. I do this a lot around where I live in he Sussex and Surrey Downs links. 

I love accents. Any really. But my favourites so far I have heard in real life are: Irish - obviously. Scottish Welsh and Liverpudlian.  

Having a bath with candles, music/watching something on my laptop, lots of bubble bath and a cold drink. I like to lay in it until I'm all pruney. 

I adore ginger hair. Especially if it is curly. On both men and women. And myself :)

There are many other things that I love and adore like films, songs, movies and a whole host of other things but thins would be a stupidly long post I I said them all. Plus as soon as I thought I was finished I would think of more things to add so I'm going to quit now. 

I hope you have enjoyed this little insight into my life. I certainly had fun wiring it. 

I'm so glad you're part of my life.

(Written on 16/4/11  - not sure why i never posted it. It is even more true today. I will always treasure our friendship as one of the most important things I have in this lifetime. I love you, my friend, my sister.)

Christina Emily Cave.

We've had our ups and downs for sure but this girl, other than my actual family, has stayed in my life for the longest, even knowing me at my very worst. No matter where we've been studying, lived or whatever else could get in the way, we are still here together. And I love her very much. she is like a sister to me.
I know I could trust her with anything. And last night I did.

Last night I rang her at about mid-night in a state and she was there just to listen and console me as I sobbed and talked incoherently to her. So not only did she talk me round to hear sense but she also offered to meet and just chat with me today. To be honest, she is my rock. I don't know where my life would be without her in it. Christina was there for me in the darkest part of my life, just after I had been abused and didn't want to be alive anymore. Her just being in my life, shining in happiness like a candle in a darkened room, gave me hope that I could get through it. I don't think she realizes how vital to me wanting to carry on living she was...

<Insert title regarding length since last post 2 years ago>

Soooo, it sure has been a while. Whoops! I have written three draft posts but none of them have been finished -sorry.

Lots has happened since then; but the main thing is that I got a job in December 2011 at a nursery near Gatwick airport. I started in the baby unit which is aged 3 - 14 months. I then worked in Owls Nest which is our 3 - 4 year olds, then did two days a week in Foxes which is the 2 - 3 year olds and the other three days I worked in Rabbit Run with the 14 month to 2 year olds. As of October last year I went to full time in Rabbits which I am totally loving. As I'm sure is true with most jobs I work with people who I wouldn't "choose to associate with" which means some of the people I don't particularly like but there are others, especially one in particular, who I am so glad I have met. Me an Helen have become such good friends and she even told me I am her best friend in this area (she moved from Sutton a few years ago). It was so nice hearing that and it's true for me about Helen at work as well. She is so lovely and funny and kind, I'm glad to be able to call her a friend. 

So yeah, that's the biggest change in my life since my last post. I have a job that I mostly love.

Something else that is new is I have discovered I have a love of sewing. Stacey introduced me to it really, making bunting for InStep, our church's womens ministry. I helped her out a bit and it turned out I thoroughly enjoyed it so I've got the sewing machine Ruth had and I am (very, VERY, slowly) making some bunting of my own. In the future I plan on learning to alter my clothes for when I have lost the weight I need to and maybe even learning to make my own as well.

I know that's only two things that have happened but if I don't post this now I'm not if I ever will or if this will end up joining the other three or so posts that will never get finished now...

I shall try to update this more often but no promises. I am not certain anyone actually reads this anyway - but I'll keep posting as if people do because it's nice to have a space where I can be honest and open and get the ramblings, opinions, ideas and thoughts that are scattered in my brain.
Therefore, if someone is reading this, Hello! And if no one is, then; meh, really. :)

The List: Thing 2

I found the above photo here and just fell in love with it. As I am doing an item about the things I love call The List I thought that this would be a great section banner as it shows three things I love: photography, the sky and Love. Oh and I'm partial to silhouettes too so really it's four things and that means it is just perfect for this blog segment. And now, on with the show...

Introducing the newly found List banner is rather apt for today's thing as I want to talk about photography.
I don't know what it is about it that I just love but for the past few years now my love for it has grown. About two years ago now, my sister Lottey was bought a semi-professional camera for her photography A-level course and ever since I have taken every opportunity to steal it and have a play. She is still  so much better than me obviously (she did study it for two years!) so all her photos are much better then mine but I do it because I have fun doing it not because I want to be great - although that would be pretty swell too.

I think it's the way you can show so much, or even so little, through a single shot. I love digital photography as it's so quick and simple but as a kid I remember sending off a film/disposable camera and having to wait for weeks for it to be developed but then the moment you got the little envelope and you could see whether or not your shots came out/were any good. I kind of miss that. What I might do to sort of get that feeling again is to order a load of digital prints online and then wait till they come through, that would be pretty cool.

Some photographers I love are:
Charlotte Grant
Dean Sherwood
Tom Leishman
TSO Photography
David Spearing (he's also a filmographagician)

There are so many more as well but I don't have the space to put them all in. There are two main websites I use for photos for anything I do or even just to look for some amazing photos and they are tumblr.com and weheartit.com Check them out they are fab! (And whilst you on tumblr check out mine: cherry-face.tumblr.com #ShamelessPlug )

Charles Henry (Harry) Watts 22-January-1990 - 22-May-2006

It was 5 years ago yeasterday that my friend Harry Watts died. He was killed in a car accident just yards from his house on 22nd May 2006. 

I remember finding out he had dies on msn. Rosie asked if I’d heard about Harry. I said, ‘oh what’s the silly bugger gone and done now?’ She told me he’d been killed, I didnt believe her and said if she was joking it wasnt funny, it was sick. But no. It was true. After that I was crying so hysterically my brother came to see what was wrong. He just held me for about half an hour and got my other brother, Rob,  to call my mum to come home. I cried myself to sleep in my mums arms that night.

Harry playing his favorite sport

The next day at school Harry’s year was due to take their English Lit GCSE. I remember walking into school and hearing a little year 7 ask his mate why everyone was crying. I shouted at him that a year 11 had died the night before and swore at him. I never did get to say sorry for that. It had been silent on my bus that morning. Deafeningly so when the bus driver stopped to pick up Harry and he never got on. We had to tell him what had happened. As I was a year 10 every lesson was important but I remember missing so many that week as we had been told if we needed to we could go somewhere on the school grounds to think. I remember leaving a lesson my best friend Becky and finding my friend Dan Hawkins, who was Harry’s best friend, and someone else sitting up against the cage in silence. We went and sat with them and just talked about the memories of Harry we had. Becky often got the bus home to mine so she had gotten to know him better over the past year. We must have been there for almost an hour as the bell went and as the classrooms spilled out onto tennis courts for break more peole came to sit with us.

Dan and I had a camp booked for the weekend. We both didn’t want to go but knew that Harry would have wanted us to be having fun not sitting at home crying. So we both went and hung out with each other and got lots of prayer too. I will never forget what someone told us that weekend, “After someone you love has died always remember this: It’s okay to be sad when you’re sad but it is even more okay to be happy when you’re happy.” As simple and obvious as it sounds you need to hear this because after the death of a loved one you can sometimes feel guilty for laughing, smiling and being happy. But that’s how they would want you to be, to remember their lives and the good times not that they have now gone.

Rest in peace Harry. Have fun hanging out with Jesus till I get there! And say Hi to my brothers and sister who are up in heaven too! I'll never forget you Harrybo! 

Charles Henry (Harry) Watts 22-January-1990 - 22-May-2006. xx

Epic Night

On Sunday (20-March-11) I saw McFly's Above the Noise tour in Brighton with Christina. It was epic. Will blog more about it another time but i jut wanted to say it was epic. And show you a photo.

The List

I just saw on a friends blog that she is making a list of things that are important to her "list of all those things that make me smile inside." and i thought that this was such a good thing to do that i would do it also. Sarah said she was doing it to start living deliberately and i think thats a great reason to do it. So here is the start of my list of things make make me heart smile.


Thing One:
Going for a walk in the woods. It doesn't matter what time if day it is as i have often found myself longing to go walkies at about 10pm or even after midnight if i am awake sometimes. any time of day is a good time for wondering in the woods around where i live.
it doesnt really matter too much what the weather is either, ive been on snowy woodland walks, sunny ones, windy ones, cold ones and even a couple of rainy walks to. i just love it. 


But i think my favorite time of year to aimlessly wonder around is when the bluebells are out. io live by the old railway that used to go from Horsham to Guildford where there was a tunnel that went through the hill that is now closed off and locked by a metal door they have built. because of this the people who 'made' the downs link have had to make a new path the run pretty much next to it as it goes up the hill. one you are at the top of hill, if you look at the left side of the path the ground is literally covered on bluebells. the beautiful flowers seem like they go on for miles, and in fact, some routes you can walk they do. 


I don't mind if i am alone or with other people when i go out to the woods. sometimes it's best when im alone as i can go wherever i want, spend as long as i want to sit and just look an listen, chat to the big J-dog in the sky or even sing out loud without caring as no-one is around to hear. yet sometimes it's better to have Stina and Lottey with me. As children, we played so many times in the woods so if we go walkies now we tend to revisit 'our tree' and the 'cave girl tree' to reminisce and giggle. Or we just walk with no aim and go where we feel like.


i also love finding new places too. it usually starts off with following a public footpath i haven't gone down before and seeing it where it takes me.  i think it's the feeling of adventure that i love. the thought of the unknown. not sure why i love it so much but i guess i have always wanted to be swept off my feet and taken on an adventure with the guy im going to marry. and even though i might just be going walkies by myself i get the space in my head to only think about where i'm going and how i got there so there's lots of room for my imagination to to run wild.


so basically number one on The List is going for a walk in the woods.

Shine A Light on Her (eh eh eh)

I don't know what it is that I want to write I just know that I want to post something. Anything. This time last year i was in Bedford and having the time of my life (well it was the best year of my life but it had only just begun really), planning things to do for my birthday with Becca as we share the date and doing a number of other fun things too. This year I am contemplating doing nothing for my birthday as I don't know many people well enough to do something with them. This is the first time this has ever happened. And I don't like it. It feels weird. Not because I'm spoiled or anything but simply because I have always had people do celebrate with; and now that I am home it feels like I pretty much have no one. :(
Don't get me wrong I am glad to be home but I would also like very much to be back in Bedders too. Or maybe it's not the place/church I miss maybe it's the people and the fact there was always someone I could do something with. I definitely think that me best friends are those I made this year; Cheryl Ingledew, Becca Riley, Zoe Heath, Rachel Marshal, Joanna Martin, Ben Leggott, Charlotte Wood, Josh Nobblet and Matt Davies to just name a few. This is probably because I got to know myself at the same time as they did really. And we learnt so much together and individually all at the same time on both TSM and FP Impact. September 2009 - August 2010 will always be one that I will never forget and will cherish the memories and photos/videos for my whole life. And I most certainly thank Jesus I met these and the rest of my new friends. Each and every single person who came into my life this year helped to make it the best year in my entire (almost) 20 years of life. You are all stars and I love you very much!
Actually this post is doing what I hoped it would, cheer me up and make me happy. Even though it started a bit moany at the beginning thinking about all my fellow FPers and TSMers and ever KAers has made me really rather joyful.
Well it is 5 to 5 which means home time in 5 minutes so I better finish this and  turn off my PC as it takes forever to do anything on it.
Peace out Lovelies! Xx

Let the giggles comence...

Most of these won't make sense to you unless you were there but the randomness of them might make you giggle and some of the quotes are from films or songs or the bible or just general ones i've seen, heard or read.

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you." (Footprints In the Sand: Margaret fishback Powers)

"The lion fell in love with the lamb." "What a stupid lamb." "What a sick, masochistic lion." (Edward and Bella in Twilight: Stephanie Meyer)

Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

She made me all quavery! (Lottey in London)
Mmm, yes. Mmm quite! (Stina in London.)

A frantic pounding, a racing beat. A changin heart. (Jacob Black in Breaking Dawn: Stephanie Meyer)

Kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases.
Kisses that are easiy obtained are easily forgetten.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"By the word of the LORD the heavens were made, and by the breath of his mouth all their host. He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap; he puts the deeps in storehouses. Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him! For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm." Pslam 33:6-9

Yeah I've got the feeling
It's something I find hard to explain
See I wasn't looking
But girl I'm glad I fell in your way.  (From the song Adored by Collective Soul)

I believe in light; even when the sun doesn't shine. I believe in love; even when it isn't given. I believe in God; even when his voice is silent.
 
"Deirdre has entered me!" Abbie
"Stop taking pictures while she's fiddling with me!" Stina
"I'm hoping we seep together again tonight. I sleeping with her - it's fun." Niki about Abbie
 
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake in the morning
Without you by my side
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine. (From Goodbye My Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy)
 
Never Think by Robert Pattinson
   
That's all i'm gonna do for now or it will just be rediculously long so I'll do a few posts instead.

 
Peace out lovelies. Xx

Post to follow...

So i just filled up my quote book. :)
so either tomorrow or in the next few days im gonna post some of my faves on here and also do a proper post as a lot has happened since i last posted as it was long tings ago - sorry!

i do still love you i swear :) xx

peace out lovelies! xx

The Random Ramblings of a Redhead.

I'm in that rediculous mood again, where something 'feels' wrong but I don't know what/why. Maybe it's because I do not seem to have a clue on how to use my new phone even though it tells me how to do some things. It might be because it's 20 mins past midnight and I have to be at church at 9 and cannot find my leaders rotas for King's Kids but then it could also be to do with a lot of things! It is the most annoying mood/feeling ever as I am unable to define it or the reason I am feeling it!! Grr at this!

Onto happy things, though, Lottey has come up to stay with me for a few days which is nice and it also meant I got to see Mum again as she drove her up here and then bought the new phone as the contract is in her name. So it was lovely to spend time with her again. Lottey and I went to Ben's where a load of us had a BBQ and then hung out and played games and things till half 11. Maybe that's why I feel weird - haven't wound down properly yet maybe. Anyways, so that was lots of fun and it's nice that Lottey said she really likes my friends and that she got on with them well as sometimes she can find it hard to meet new people/make new mates as she seems to be quite content with being by herself and doesn't have many buddies back home. Which makes me sad for her, spesh when Millie, Andrew and Betty (pretty much her only college friends/closest in relationship and proximity) seem to leave her out 99.9% of the time now that I am gone. Which to be honest makes me kind of angry at them all but mostly at Millie as she very often moaned/moans to me about being left out by church people now I'm gone which is getting harder and harder for me to feel bad for her about as it is the exact thing she is doing to my sister! But I have to try and remember that Millie is quite different to me in the way that she 'falls in out of best friendship' with people; not that they fall out but just that she seems to change who she likes the most quite often. Where as I stay bf's with someone for years and for her, to me at least, it feels like it is who ever she spends the most time with. Kind of like she is fickle when it comes to best friends. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not saying you have to have a bestie and that if you do they are that for life no matter what or no matter who newly comes into your life but I am simply saying that for me I long to have a best friend relationship like I did with Becky back in St. Nicks and Glebelands. The kind where people get your names mixed up as you're always together/so similar in the ways you do thing because you have spent so much time together; where you can finish each other sentences and know what the other means when trying to explain something. Or even if when trying to talk you are yawning or eating, etc so can't be properly understood by people but they know and translate it to others for you. Me and Bex where just like that. I miss that so much, I miss her so much, even though we drifted in our last year at Glebelands I still miss her terribly. It has almost been 3 years since prom and I have only seen her once since then when out of the blue she rang me about a year ago so I stayed at her house for a night. Considering we saw each other *at least* 5 days a week but quite often more as she would stay at mine a lot and then come to church on the Sunday to only having seen her once in almost 3 years is really odd and really rather sad.

Hey this bit was supposed to be happier. Ah well never mind ay. Never mind. This is just how my mind works, it leads straight from one thing to the next with not much obvious link needed but I still know where I'm headed or what I mean (even if most other people don't).

Also, recently, I have noticed/become more aware of the way I speak to other people about things. What I mean is that sometimes I will talk to people about something with out really starting the conversation at the beginning of the train of thought and expect them to know what I'm going on about as to me it seems obvious. Or even what I have done a few times is say something to people that leads on from what was said earlier only it turns out it wasn't said at all I just thought it in my head and hadn't realised no one else heard it. That is the weirder one I think, it is certainly the the harder one to explain to people and therefore funnier as I can just back-track a wee bit and properly start the conversation in the right place afterwards when I get the odd looks from people. Where as with thinking I have said something already to those I am talking to, what I say is 100% random and out of the blue. Just thinking about doing it or times when I have don it before is making me chuckle. (: Love It!!

Right well it's pretty much 5 to 1am and am feeling less weird now so I'm gonna be of to sleepybyes now. Nighty Night and peace out lovelies! Xx

I love I love I love Your presence

I had such an amazing time with Pappa this morning. No one was home so I went into my bedroom, stuck in my headphones with the volume up and just laid on the floor. Singing at full volume whic felt *SO* good as I never do it as I'm no Mickey Peacock shall we say. (: There were tears, there was laughter, there was uncontrolable sobbing and then god quieted me with His love. I don't think I have ever had a time with the Father like that on my own before. It happened in public a few weeks ago at TSM when we were at Russell Park Baptisit instead of our offices as we had a guy called Neil Chitty and his wife Sonya. But this morning was amazing! Truely a new level of intimacy and a bit of a breakthrough in the Secret Place too. God is so flipping good and graceful!
I really do love Him. With all my heart, He is and will always be my first love. even though I might want it, I know I don't need to be married to have true love and to give true love as I will always Love and have Him. One of the songs I was soaking to was called You Won't Relent and there are two parts of the song that spoke to me most which I have put in bold:

You won't relent until you have it all
My heart is yours( Repeat )

I'll set you as a seal, upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm
for there is a love, that is as strong as death
jealousy demanding as the grave
mand many waters, cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me,
come be the flame upon my heart,
Come be the fire inside of me,
until You and I are one.

I don't wanna talk about you, like you're not in the room,
I wanna look right at you,
I wanna sing right to you.

I can't really put into words (in a eligable fashion) what God was doing in me, at least not yet. He has been speaking to me so much of late, or I should say I've actually been listening of late as our Father is always talking to us because He loves us, it's just whether or not we choose/allow ourselves to actually hear Him. we are a silly race really if you think about it, we were created for relationship with God, not because He needed it just because he wanted to (that's an amazing statement right there - that I'll give you for free (: hehe ) so of course He is going to communicate with us otherwise it wouldn't nay COULDN'T be a real relationship yet we sometimes feel like He isnt saying anything. When the reality is that He always is and maybe we aren't really listening or He might just be using a different way to speak to develop and deepen our relationships.
Silly, Silly us. Gracious, gracious God. (:

Anyhoo not sure what else to say right now so Peace out Lovelies!

Going Through The Motions... (Plus Life's a Show)

It seems like at the moment my emotions/my life in general are just simply going through the motions. Or on a continuous cycley-loopy thing; thats quite scientific you know. (: Well it's either one of those or my body has decided to change from giving me agonising period pains to spazing up mu emotions. I'm hoping its one of the first two as otherwise having to go through life with this much a mix of ups and downs is sure to take its toll on me. ): Unless maybe it is just a phase and I will return to cramps each month, which tbh, I would so rather have and they sucked like no ones business!

I do happen to think though that the most likely reason for the rollacoaster emotionalness is because I am due to leave Bedford and the AMAZING people at the King's Arms, TSM and my FP Impact base in about a month and a half. Some of whom its is likely I will not be seeing again for at least a few years if not until heaven. Very, very, VERY sad times. D: Don't get me wrong I am so looking forward to coming home and working for KCH, but I feel more known here I 'spose. What I mean by that is after doing TSM and learning that I didn't show people the real me let alone know who I was. Whereas here, the people around me have been finding out whom I am alongside me finding out too. So there’s been no room to hide or put a mask on. So the people I know here, well a few of them, know me better than most if not all the people I know back home; which kind of scares me as I’m going to be living and doing life with them for the foreseeable future...

Life's a show

And we all play our parts

And when the music starts

We open up our hearts

It’s alright

If some things come out wrong

We'll sing a happy song

And you can sing along

Where there’s life, there’s hope

Everyday’s a gift

Wishes can, come true

Whistle while, you work

So hard, all day

To be like other girls

To fit in, in this glittering world

Don't give me songs

Don't give me songs

Give me something to sing about

I need something to sing about

Life’s a song

You don't get to rehearse

And every single verse

Can make it that much worse

Still my friends don't know why I ignore

The million things or more

I should be dancing for

All the joy life sends

Family and friends

All the twists and bends

Knowing that it ends

Well that depends

On if they let you go

On if they know enough to know

That when you've bowed

You leave the crowd

So give me something to sing about

Please give me something to sing about

So Good To Me

This is my new fave worship song - I heard it at KA when Sarah O was leading or at TSM when she leading (either way she introduced it to me) and I think it actually is better sang by her. But then some songs sounds better in male or female, this song I think is better in female. (:

The song is called so Good To Me by Cory Asbury:

I waited patiently upon the Lord
And He inclined and heard my cry
He pulled me up out of the miry clay
He set my feet upon a rock

Verse 2:
He gave me, beauty for ashes
And joy for my mourning
And praise for heaviness
He put a new song in my mouth
And a crown upon my head
He gave me life forevermore

Main Chorus:
Hes been so good, so so good to me
So good, so so good to me, so good so so good to me Jesus

Chorus 2:
Cause He picked me up and He turned me around
And He placed my feet on the solid ground
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

So in the words of Sarah; to me this song in un-freaking-believable! I just love it. Lately I feel like this song just applies to my life at the moment. Even though there have been some sucky things to happen/not to happen of late I still feel like I am surrounded by a bubble of the Father's goodness, presenting iyself in many different ways. Which is pretty awesome to be honest.

Peace out lovelies!

Niki is sehr, sehr happy today!

YAY! I'm popping home today for just over 24 hours so that I can go to my Nannie's 75th birthday surprise meal with a whole load of our family. Twenty-one of us I think; it should be loud and lively, but also a laugh too. (: I haven't seen some of the people going in a few years I don’t think, others its not been since September so not too long but they are the ones I tend to see more regularly so I miss them more. So I am very much looking forward to seeing them. I am extremely excited about seeing the Mother and Father as well as Lollypops. Oh and Robs and Chris too I suppose hehe. (:

Right well I am actually at work in the offices so I should probably get back to that, as I’m not in tomorrow and I am fasting from computers tomorrow as well. I’m doing that because as a small group we are fasting and praying for Cheryl’s heart and I think for Mandy who is Matt and Mickey’s neighbour (and my ex neighbour I guess) for some break through in hers and her family’s lives. And Matt said it didn’t have to be food we fasted from it could be anything we do or use a lot. And there are two reasons I chose to go for use of laptop/computers: 1) I am going out for Nannie’s birthday as previously said and 2) I use my laptop so, so much I thought that this would be something I notice not using more than food as I tend to just go it to fill time or because I’m bored. So I’m not using my laptop or any computer from midnight tonight till midnight tomorrow night. But I will probs be in bed them so its more like not until I get back from TSM n Thursday after having driven myself up in the morning. Thursday will be a looong day! But the drive will have been worth coming back for I am sure.

So peace out and have a good time till whenevs I write again. (: Xx Xx

starting to draw again (:

Even if I did just copy this from my lap top still think it's pretty darn good. (:

From inside Jennie

My tummy well has a rash. ): sad times. But that’s not what this post is about, just wanted to say it.

I was just flicking through my last journal (who is named Jennie - yeah I've named my journal!) as I have just finished it and am in a new one now and there were so many things I had forgotten about and or that I wanted to share with people. So I choose you. (: There are worship lyrics, other song lyrics, words from God to me or just stuff that I got when in worship/praying, stuff from TSM talks and other shizzle too. So here is some of it (I might explain some of why I’m sharing or what it means others I won’t).

We will overcome!
By the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome.

In Ephesians 2:6 it talks about us being seated with Christ in heavenly places. So, because of this fact it should change how we pray. John Strange asked us this at TSM because of this verse: “So, are you praying from Earth the Heaven? OR from Heaven to Earth with the authority you have already inherited?!” Wow. That’s fracking amazing to think that we can pray knowing that what we ask for will be and is being done because we are with Jesus *now* in heaven as well as being here on Earth. It’s hard to get your head around and I know that some people don’t believe we are there now as they say even though god is outside of time; we are still alive therefore we cannot be up there with Him now. But surely if God is outside of time so is His dwelling place, meaning we could actually be there too as it is outside of time.

Love always fights back.

“It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the melody of the lyre. For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.” Psalm 92:1 – 4

“At the end of the day God doesn’t need defending --> he can/does prove himself.” Neil Chitty

Our God is totally trustworthy because he does not change – like ever!!  “God is good and He’s in a good mood all the time!” (Bill Johnson)

“God does miracles not because he needs to prove Himself but simply because He just loves us! He does it just because!” Neil Chitty

*what did God do just after Adam and eve fall? He made them clothes. Out of what? Animal skins… How do you get animal skins? You have to kill it.  Therefore blood had to be shed to cover their guilt and shame. Resemble/remind you of anything from the New Testament?!!*

Proverbs 15:1 “A softer answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Okay it’s just gone midnight so I should probably go to bed as I’ve got FP Impact training this week. So I’m gonna continue this post another time; but as my journal has lots in it I think I will do this as a series of post instead of one very long one. So I hope these things or at least some of these things I have and will write on here will impact you and reveal some of God’s heart and truth to you as they did me.

Oh I do love Jesus – he’s my favourite.