The Random Ramblings of a Redhead.

I'm in that rediculous mood again, where something 'feels' wrong but I don't know what/why. Maybe it's because I do not seem to have a clue on how to use my new phone even though it tells me how to do some things. It might be because it's 20 mins past midnight and I have to be at church at 9 and cannot find my leaders rotas for King's Kids but then it could also be to do with a lot of things! It is the most annoying mood/feeling ever as I am unable to define it or the reason I am feeling it!! Grr at this!

Onto happy things, though, Lottey has come up to stay with me for a few days which is nice and it also meant I got to see Mum again as she drove her up here and then bought the new phone as the contract is in her name. So it was lovely to spend time with her again. Lottey and I went to Ben's where a load of us had a BBQ and then hung out and played games and things till half 11. Maybe that's why I feel weird - haven't wound down properly yet maybe. Anyways, so that was lots of fun and it's nice that Lottey said she really likes my friends and that she got on with them well as sometimes she can find it hard to meet new people/make new mates as she seems to be quite content with being by herself and doesn't have many buddies back home. Which makes me sad for her, spesh when Millie, Andrew and Betty (pretty much her only college friends/closest in relationship and proximity) seem to leave her out 99.9% of the time now that I am gone. Which to be honest makes me kind of angry at them all but mostly at Millie as she very often moaned/moans to me about being left out by church people now I'm gone which is getting harder and harder for me to feel bad for her about as it is the exact thing she is doing to my sister! But I have to try and remember that Millie is quite different to me in the way that she 'falls in out of best friendship' with people; not that they fall out but just that she seems to change who she likes the most quite often. Where as I stay bf's with someone for years and for her, to me at least, it feels like it is who ever she spends the most time with. Kind of like she is fickle when it comes to best friends. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not saying you have to have a bestie and that if you do they are that for life no matter what or no matter who newly comes into your life but I am simply saying that for me I long to have a best friend relationship like I did with Becky back in St. Nicks and Glebelands. The kind where people get your names mixed up as you're always together/so similar in the ways you do thing because you have spent so much time together; where you can finish each other sentences and know what the other means when trying to explain something. Or even if when trying to talk you are yawning or eating, etc so can't be properly understood by people but they know and translate it to others for you. Me and Bex where just like that. I miss that so much, I miss her so much, even though we drifted in our last year at Glebelands I still miss her terribly. It has almost been 3 years since prom and I have only seen her once since then when out of the blue she rang me about a year ago so I stayed at her house for a night. Considering we saw each other *at least* 5 days a week but quite often more as she would stay at mine a lot and then come to church on the Sunday to only having seen her once in almost 3 years is really odd and really rather sad.

Hey this bit was supposed to be happier. Ah well never mind ay. Never mind. This is just how my mind works, it leads straight from one thing to the next with not much obvious link needed but I still know where I'm headed or what I mean (even if most other people don't).

Also, recently, I have noticed/become more aware of the way I speak to other people about things. What I mean is that sometimes I will talk to people about something with out really starting the conversation at the beginning of the train of thought and expect them to know what I'm going on about as to me it seems obvious. Or even what I have done a few times is say something to people that leads on from what was said earlier only it turns out it wasn't said at all I just thought it in my head and hadn't realised no one else heard it. That is the weirder one I think, it is certainly the the harder one to explain to people and therefore funnier as I can just back-track a wee bit and properly start the conversation in the right place afterwards when I get the odd looks from people. Where as with thinking I have said something already to those I am talking to, what I say is 100% random and out of the blue. Just thinking about doing it or times when I have don it before is making me chuckle. (: Love It!!

Right well it's pretty much 5 to 1am and am feeling less weird now so I'm gonna be of to sleepybyes now. Nighty Night and peace out lovelies! Xx

I love I love I love Your presence

I had such an amazing time with Pappa this morning. No one was home so I went into my bedroom, stuck in my headphones with the volume up and just laid on the floor. Singing at full volume whic felt *SO* good as I never do it as I'm no Mickey Peacock shall we say. (: There were tears, there was laughter, there was uncontrolable sobbing and then god quieted me with His love. I don't think I have ever had a time with the Father like that on my own before. It happened in public a few weeks ago at TSM when we were at Russell Park Baptisit instead of our offices as we had a guy called Neil Chitty and his wife Sonya. But this morning was amazing! Truely a new level of intimacy and a bit of a breakthrough in the Secret Place too. God is so flipping good and graceful!
I really do love Him. With all my heart, He is and will always be my first love. even though I might want it, I know I don't need to be married to have true love and to give true love as I will always Love and have Him. One of the songs I was soaking to was called You Won't Relent and there are two parts of the song that spoke to me most which I have put in bold:

You won't relent until you have it all
My heart is yours( Repeat )

I'll set you as a seal, upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm
for there is a love, that is as strong as death
jealousy demanding as the grave
mand many waters, cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me,
come be the flame upon my heart,
Come be the fire inside of me,
until You and I are one.

I don't wanna talk about you, like you're not in the room,
I wanna look right at you,
I wanna sing right to you.

I can't really put into words (in a eligable fashion) what God was doing in me, at least not yet. He has been speaking to me so much of late, or I should say I've actually been listening of late as our Father is always talking to us because He loves us, it's just whether or not we choose/allow ourselves to actually hear Him. we are a silly race really if you think about it, we were created for relationship with God, not because He needed it just because he wanted to (that's an amazing statement right there - that I'll give you for free (: hehe ) so of course He is going to communicate with us otherwise it wouldn't nay COULDN'T be a real relationship yet we sometimes feel like He isnt saying anything. When the reality is that He always is and maybe we aren't really listening or He might just be using a different way to speak to develop and deepen our relationships.
Silly, Silly us. Gracious, gracious God. (:

Anyhoo not sure what else to say right now so Peace out Lovelies!

Going Through The Motions... (Plus Life's a Show)

It seems like at the moment my emotions/my life in general are just simply going through the motions. Or on a continuous cycley-loopy thing; thats quite scientific you know. (: Well it's either one of those or my body has decided to change from giving me agonising period pains to spazing up mu emotions. I'm hoping its one of the first two as otherwise having to go through life with this much a mix of ups and downs is sure to take its toll on me. ): Unless maybe it is just a phase and I will return to cramps each month, which tbh, I would so rather have and they sucked like no ones business!

I do happen to think though that the most likely reason for the rollacoaster emotionalness is because I am due to leave Bedford and the AMAZING people at the King's Arms, TSM and my FP Impact base in about a month and a half. Some of whom its is likely I will not be seeing again for at least a few years if not until heaven. Very, very, VERY sad times. D: Don't get me wrong I am so looking forward to coming home and working for KCH, but I feel more known here I 'spose. What I mean by that is after doing TSM and learning that I didn't show people the real me let alone know who I was. Whereas here, the people around me have been finding out whom I am alongside me finding out too. So there’s been no room to hide or put a mask on. So the people I know here, well a few of them, know me better than most if not all the people I know back home; which kind of scares me as I’m going to be living and doing life with them for the foreseeable future...

Life's a show

And we all play our parts

And when the music starts

We open up our hearts

It’s alright

If some things come out wrong

We'll sing a happy song

And you can sing along

Where there’s life, there’s hope

Everyday’s a gift

Wishes can, come true

Whistle while, you work

So hard, all day

To be like other girls

To fit in, in this glittering world

Don't give me songs

Don't give me songs

Give me something to sing about

I need something to sing about

Life’s a song

You don't get to rehearse

And every single verse

Can make it that much worse

Still my friends don't know why I ignore

The million things or more

I should be dancing for

All the joy life sends

Family and friends

All the twists and bends

Knowing that it ends

Well that depends

On if they let you go

On if they know enough to know

That when you've bowed

You leave the crowd

So give me something to sing about

Please give me something to sing about

So Good To Me

This is my new fave worship song - I heard it at KA when Sarah O was leading or at TSM when she leading (either way she introduced it to me) and I think it actually is better sang by her. But then some songs sounds better in male or female, this song I think is better in female. (:

The song is called so Good To Me by Cory Asbury:

I waited patiently upon the Lord
And He inclined and heard my cry
He pulled me up out of the miry clay
He set my feet upon a rock

Verse 2:
He gave me, beauty for ashes
And joy for my mourning
And praise for heaviness
He put a new song in my mouth
And a crown upon my head
He gave me life forevermore

Main Chorus:
Hes been so good, so so good to me
So good, so so good to me, so good so so good to me Jesus

Chorus 2:
Cause He picked me up and He turned me around
And He placed my feet on the solid ground
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

So in the words of Sarah; to me this song in un-freaking-believable! I just love it. Lately I feel like this song just applies to my life at the moment. Even though there have been some sucky things to happen/not to happen of late I still feel like I am surrounded by a bubble of the Father's goodness, presenting iyself in many different ways. Which is pretty awesome to be honest.

Peace out lovelies!

Niki is sehr, sehr happy today!

YAY! I'm popping home today for just over 24 hours so that I can go to my Nannie's 75th birthday surprise meal with a whole load of our family. Twenty-one of us I think; it should be loud and lively, but also a laugh too. (: I haven't seen some of the people going in a few years I don’t think, others its not been since September so not too long but they are the ones I tend to see more regularly so I miss them more. So I am very much looking forward to seeing them. I am extremely excited about seeing the Mother and Father as well as Lollypops. Oh and Robs and Chris too I suppose hehe. (:

Right well I am actually at work in the offices so I should probably get back to that, as I’m not in tomorrow and I am fasting from computers tomorrow as well. I’m doing that because as a small group we are fasting and praying for Cheryl’s heart and I think for Mandy who is Matt and Mickey’s neighbour (and my ex neighbour I guess) for some break through in hers and her family’s lives. And Matt said it didn’t have to be food we fasted from it could be anything we do or use a lot. And there are two reasons I chose to go for use of laptop/computers: 1) I am going out for Nannie’s birthday as previously said and 2) I use my laptop so, so much I thought that this would be something I notice not using more than food as I tend to just go it to fill time or because I’m bored. So I’m not using my laptop or any computer from midnight tonight till midnight tomorrow night. But I will probs be in bed them so its more like not until I get back from TSM n Thursday after having driven myself up in the morning. Thursday will be a looong day! But the drive will have been worth coming back for I am sure.

So peace out and have a good time till whenevs I write again. (: Xx Xx

starting to draw again (:

Even if I did just copy this from my lap top still think it's pretty darn good. (:

From inside Jennie

My tummy well has a rash. ): sad times. But that’s not what this post is about, just wanted to say it.

I was just flicking through my last journal (who is named Jennie - yeah I've named my journal!) as I have just finished it and am in a new one now and there were so many things I had forgotten about and or that I wanted to share with people. So I choose you. (: There are worship lyrics, other song lyrics, words from God to me or just stuff that I got when in worship/praying, stuff from TSM talks and other shizzle too. So here is some of it (I might explain some of why I’m sharing or what it means others I won’t).

We will overcome!
By the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome.

In Ephesians 2:6 it talks about us being seated with Christ in heavenly places. So, because of this fact it should change how we pray. John Strange asked us this at TSM because of this verse: “So, are you praying from Earth the Heaven? OR from Heaven to Earth with the authority you have already inherited?!” Wow. That’s fracking amazing to think that we can pray knowing that what we ask for will be and is being done because we are with Jesus *now* in heaven as well as being here on Earth. It’s hard to get your head around and I know that some people don’t believe we are there now as they say even though god is outside of time; we are still alive therefore we cannot be up there with Him now. But surely if God is outside of time so is His dwelling place, meaning we could actually be there too as it is outside of time.

Love always fights back.

“It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the melody of the lyre. For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.” Psalm 92:1 – 4

“At the end of the day God doesn’t need defending --> he can/does prove himself.” Neil Chitty

Our God is totally trustworthy because he does not change – like ever!!  “God is good and He’s in a good mood all the time!” (Bill Johnson)

“God does miracles not because he needs to prove Himself but simply because He just loves us! He does it just because!” Neil Chitty

*what did God do just after Adam and eve fall? He made them clothes. Out of what? Animal skins… How do you get animal skins? You have to kill it.  Therefore blood had to be shed to cover their guilt and shame. Resemble/remind you of anything from the New Testament?!!*

Proverbs 15:1 “A softer answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Okay it’s just gone midnight so I should probably go to bed as I’ve got FP Impact training this week. So I’m gonna continue this post another time; but as my journal has lots in it I think I will do this as a series of post instead of one very long one. So I hope these things or at least some of these things I have and will write on here will impact you and reveal some of God’s heart and truth to you as they did me.

Oh I do love Jesus – he’s my favourite.