I think there is something wrong with me, I'd like to say all the time but I just dont know; so there is deffinately something wrong with me today. I just can't do anything, not like I'm crap at it all I mean, it's like I just can't do anything. I just don't work today, I'm broken. The worst thing is, is that I have no cluse as to why. It might hve something to do with talking to Ben last night on facebook, maybe after talking to him I get a little depressed because of our/my situation. But then again at the moment I am struggling with my relationship with one of my supposed best friends. I say supossed as I don't know where we are anymore. She keeps lying to me and has now broken two promises that she made to me only this month! and I just do not know what to do about it. Should I confront her, in a loving way, and tell her I know even though I have no real 'proof' other than a drunken text she tried to send to him which she sent to another of our friends, Laura, who showed me and forwarded it to me. Not for malisious reason might I add, but because I asked her to and she is also very worried this girl, lets call her Verity. We are both extremely worried about Verity as we don't know what to do or if we should do anything. The thing is though, Verity is hiding this from everyone other than "Steph" as well as hiding other things from people who should know them, like the leader of the church youth group she helps lead. Really, she put me into a very difficult postion by telling me some things as I too help lead prt of the youth and I know that the Leader needs to know them but I can't tell them. Not only because it is not y place, but because, well because I just can't. Not sure how to explain why I couldn't do it but I just couldn't. Not yet at least. If the situation Verity is lying to me about gets worse, I may have to the youth leader. But I won't yet.
all I need to deal with at the moment is trying to talk to her about ti and not acting differently around her, I'm not doing it on purpose, but I just am keeping slightly distanced from her. I would usually be joking and laughing andmessing aound but I am just not able to do it at this pointin time. I think it's becaue whenever I look at her I just think "Why do you keep lying to me, Verity? Do you not trust me anymore?!"
What's worse, I think I'm making myself physically ill over this. Have never worried about something like this before. I just don't understand! I guess Verity and her lying are the reason that I am not able to focus on any of my work. Tonight it will be worse, I wil have to put on a false smile and pretend like there is nothing wrong as I have my small group meeting (a group of girls from the youth I dicsiple and mentor) as I don't want them to see what's wrong as I would have to lie to them as to what it is about and I don't want to have to so basicaly it will just be easier to 'put on a brave face'.
Well any ways I best at least try to do some work.
forgot to post.. so I tried to work, didn't but i feel slightly better as i have messed around with my college friends. - classic times!
About Me
- Nicola
- Jesus has captured my heart... I'm a 'there's always a silver lining' kind of girl. I love making people laugh & smile and seeing people reach their dreams.
Friday, 30 January 2009
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Apple-flavoured Lip Gloss
Isn't it strange the way a song can make you feel? How some randoms words strung together thrown along with some chords and a melody yet it can make your see the world, or more amazing, how you see yourself. What's more that amazes me is how a song that is clearly about one thing yet it can mean something entirely different to you.
I have recently found a song that instantly changes my mod for the better as soon as I hear note of the piano. It's Called Little Joanna by McFly, if you just read the words a lot, if not mot do not make sense. For example
"I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace!"
But when you put the whole song together, it just seems so beautiful and written from the heart. It makes me wish I was little Joanna and I made some one think like that. Like whatever came out of their mouth made no sense to anyone but me. Like it was a sort of private joke that no one other than the two of us understood. Just so you know what I'm harping on about, here is the whole of the song.
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
Coconut cream on coffee colored thighs
I could die lying in her arms
Where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
CHORUS:
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
(Little Joanna)
Little Joanna's like a laser beam sky
Gluteous Maximus like a firefly
And that's why I'm a kissaphobic
Where cellulite dreams were made, like lemonade,
But when the shivers are salty and sea foam's the colour of space
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
God, I love Joanna
But she don't understand much
I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace
And feeling I got reckless
When Joanna's here
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
I could die lying in her arms
where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
When Joanna's here
When Joanna is here (x12)
Sunkissed trampoline
Up and down I'm my heart (x4)
Probably doesn't mean much to you, but to me, it sort of feels like a promise, that I will have that someday but I just need to wait on what, well who, God has planned for me to share my life with.
I have recently found a song that instantly changes my mod for the better as soon as I hear note of the piano. It's Called Little Joanna by McFly, if you just read the words a lot, if not mot do not make sense. For example
"I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace!"
But when you put the whole song together, it just seems so beautiful and written from the heart. It makes me wish I was little Joanna and I made some one think like that. Like whatever came out of their mouth made no sense to anyone but me. Like it was a sort of private joke that no one other than the two of us understood. Just so you know what I'm harping on about, here is the whole of the song.
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
Coconut cream on coffee colored thighs
I could die lying in her arms
Where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
CHORUS:
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
(Little Joanna)
Little Joanna's like a laser beam sky
Gluteous Maximus like a firefly
And that's why I'm a kissaphobic
Where cellulite dreams were made, like lemonade,
But when the shivers are salty and sea foam's the colour of space
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
God, I love Joanna
But she don't understand much
I love it when our hands touch
Knowing that I'm near
Apple-flavored lip gloss
Achilles wears a necklace
And feeling I got reckless
When Joanna's here
Little Joanna's got big blue eyes
I could die lying in her arms
where castles are made of sand
We start to dance
But only the music is bleating when crickets replace the band
She will always be my sunkissed trampoline
She goes up and down in my heart
Turned into jelly beans
And I'm starting to believe that danger's never near
When Joanna is here
When Joanna's here
When Joanna is here (x12)
Sunkissed trampoline
Up and down I'm my heart (x4)
Probably doesn't mean much to you, but to me, it sort of feels like a promise, that I will have that someday but I just need to wait on what, well who, God has planned for me to share my life with.
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Up and dowwn in my heart, turned into jelly beans
Lord,
I want an Edward Cullen. I really, really don't want a Tom Lefroy anymore, I don't think I ever really did. But I'm sure you know that. I guess, in reality, I have always wanted to feel adored, loved, or just wanted by someone. Never having felt that before, other than from you God, I sometimes feel I that I never will; like I will always be left alone. With everyone around me loved, and me left on my todd outside in the rain. Yeah I don't know why I'd be in the rain but that's how I see it.
I love how incoherent I am sometimes yet I know that you understand every word so clearly as though it was said by a perfectly spoken person. You amaze me Lord, you make a world so beautiful, beyond brilliance, yet you made me. You made ME. Of all the things you could have made instead, you chose me. Every cell, every essence of who I am comes from you. Why make me when there are so many more important things you could have made in my place? You grace and love astounds me, O Lord.
Thank you for the desires of my heart, I know they are from you and that you will, one day, grant them to me, better than I could have ever planned for myself.
Amen.
I want an Edward Cullen. I really, really don't want a Tom Lefroy anymore, I don't think I ever really did. But I'm sure you know that. I guess, in reality, I have always wanted to feel adored, loved, or just wanted by someone. Never having felt that before, other than from you God, I sometimes feel I that I never will; like I will always be left alone. With everyone around me loved, and me left on my todd outside in the rain. Yeah I don't know why I'd be in the rain but that's how I see it.
I love how incoherent I am sometimes yet I know that you understand every word so clearly as though it was said by a perfectly spoken person. You amaze me Lord, you make a world so beautiful, beyond brilliance, yet you made me. You made ME. Of all the things you could have made instead, you chose me. Every cell, every essence of who I am comes from you. Why make me when there are so many more important things you could have made in my place? You grace and love astounds me, O Lord.
Thank you for the desires of my heart, I know they are from you and that you will, one day, grant them to me, better than I could have ever planned for myself.
Amen.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Down.Went.Another.One!
Some times they suck. Just wanna have fun with them but they just wann have fun with each other - without you. Maybe it's your own fault, maybe your not exciting enough. Or people just get bored of pretending to laugh at your crap-unfunny jokes they usually they laugh at just to humour you.
Down Goes Another One.
You try your hardest at church, at college - at life. But you always seem to fall short, it's never quite enough, never what they want. Or sometimes not even what you want. Maybe they all think you should be like her, after all, she made. Your only here ecause of her. And him. And him too but sometimes it feels like they also wish you weren't here.
Down Goes Another One.
Okay, so I wrote that on Saturday night when I was (feeling) being left out of everything by Stina and Abbie. But I'm good now. Everything just sort of came out, all the bad stuff I had let myself build up inside into this giant firey, ball of mush and crappyness, just sort of un-mushes into words. Those words.
But it's all gravy, still feel left out and want what they have but just want it from someone of my own. Basically I want my Daisy/Becky-pre-year-9-summer-hols back. Or at least what we had but with some one I actually see very often and can just spill and go crazy with. I want it to be like Buffy and Faith - the boy slayers! were in year 5. If you want that explained just comment.
Ily, xx
Down Goes Another One.
You try your hardest at church, at college - at life. But you always seem to fall short, it's never quite enough, never what they want. Or sometimes not even what you want. Maybe they all think you should be like her, after all, she made. Your only here ecause of her. And him. And him too but sometimes it feels like they also wish you weren't here.
Down Goes Another One.
Okay, so I wrote that on Saturday night when I was (feeling) being left out of everything by Stina and Abbie. But I'm good now. Everything just sort of came out, all the bad stuff I had let myself build up inside into this giant firey, ball of mush and crappyness, just sort of un-mushes into words. Those words.
But it's all gravy, still feel left out and want what they have but just want it from someone of my own. Basically I want my Daisy/Becky-pre-year-9-summer-hols back. Or at least what we had but with some one I actually see very often and can just spill and go crazy with. I want it to be like Buffy and Faith - the boy slayers! were in year 5. If you want that explained just comment.
Ily, xx
Saturday, 27 December 2008
todays diary entry...
Sometimes I really hate watching chicky-flicky, rommy-commy type films. I mean, I love them, but sometimes I really, really hate them too! One of my faves is deffo Angus, Thongs and perfect snogging which means it is also one of my worst: this is because this specific one is about a girl who’s fourteen turning fifteen and hasn’t had a boyfriend yet or had her first kiss – as well as her not being the ‘proper fittie’. All of these things I related to other than the age thing, so… I’ve never had a real boyfriend, ergo never had a first real kiss and I’m SO not a fittie at all (so far basically the same as the character in the film/book) BUT I’m not fourteen going on fifteen, I’ve just turned eighteen! Aka --> how looserish and sad am I?! Now you can see why I haven’t had the first bf or kiss, well, I kinda had a first kiss but it was more of a non kiss so we’re not gonna go there. Not sure where my sister (16) is on the scale but I do know that I’m like at the bottom or not even on it! Major suckage!!
(am thinking this post really isn’t as serious sounding or written as previous posts but this is how my head sounds when its spilled out onto paper [or keyboard in this case] so just think yourself lucky you don’t read my diary thing as you would have a right nervy b trying to understand it)
The worst thing about it is that I have my main group I hang out with, of which I am the oldest, and most if not all are further along the ‘boy scale’ than I am. I’m not unhappy for them about them having boyfriends and me not… I guess really I just kind of jealous. How even more looserish am I now; I’m envious of like a sixteen year old! And the other loved up peoples in our lil gang. Take Stina for example, she’s sixteen going seventeen (hehe like the Sound of Music song) and even though she’s not going out with Liam, she likes him and he likes her back. He says things to her and about her which every girl longs to be told or to hear. Then there’s Tammy: she has just turned sixteen a few months ago and a super lovely bf who is also a Christian. And there are more of our gang with stories much like theirs but I can’t be bummed to tell you them all. But basically what they would point to is more of the fact I am a sad minging loner. Sure, I may be funny, but that’s not really what a guy looks for in gf/future wifey material is it?! If it was id at least have a fighting chance as I am funny and that’s about it but as they don’t I really do not see how it is gonna happen for me. Sometime I really think life would have been easier if I was born as a boy. Maybe I’d have been a real fittie, Christian (obviously), have a sexy name like Gregory, but not get called Greg as that’s like an old man name, and be like a real nice guy. Lol. Love it.
Anyhoo, I should probs be off doing something “worth while”, yeah like getting out how I feel isn’t worthwhile, I mean if I didn’t I could have like a REAL nervy b, going crazy and then deffo be in no chance in the history of the world ever of getting married. So, slaters peoples! mwah!
x
(am thinking this post really isn’t as serious sounding or written as previous posts but this is how my head sounds when its spilled out onto paper [or keyboard in this case] so just think yourself lucky you don’t read my diary thing as you would have a right nervy b trying to understand it)
The worst thing about it is that I have my main group I hang out with, of which I am the oldest, and most if not all are further along the ‘boy scale’ than I am. I’m not unhappy for them about them having boyfriends and me not… I guess really I just kind of jealous. How even more looserish am I now; I’m envious of like a sixteen year old! And the other loved up peoples in our lil gang. Take Stina for example, she’s sixteen going seventeen (hehe like the Sound of Music song) and even though she’s not going out with Liam, she likes him and he likes her back. He says things to her and about her which every girl longs to be told or to hear. Then there’s Tammy: she has just turned sixteen a few months ago and a super lovely bf who is also a Christian. And there are more of our gang with stories much like theirs but I can’t be bummed to tell you them all. But basically what they would point to is more of the fact I am a sad minging loner. Sure, I may be funny, but that’s not really what a guy looks for in gf/future wifey material is it?! If it was id at least have a fighting chance as I am funny and that’s about it but as they don’t I really do not see how it is gonna happen for me. Sometime I really think life would have been easier if I was born as a boy. Maybe I’d have been a real fittie, Christian (obviously), have a sexy name like Gregory, but not get called Greg as that’s like an old man name, and be like a real nice guy. Lol. Love it.
Anyhoo, I should probs be off doing something “worth while”, yeah like getting out how I feel isn’t worthwhile, I mean if I didn’t I could have like a REAL nervy b, going crazy and then deffo be in no chance in the history of the world ever of getting married. So, slaters peoples! mwah!
x
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
"Who Cares?
William Booth
On one of my recent journeys, as I gazed from the coach window, I was led into a train of thought concerning the condition of the multitudes around me. They were living carelessly in the most open and shameless rebellion against God, without a thought for their eternal welfare."
Journal of Aggressive Christianity Issue 4,
December 1999 - January 2000
As Soon as I read this I thought about a girl in my college class, and all of them I guess, but one girl in particular. Hannah and i are 'working on her' but some times it feels like we're not getting anywhere from the things she's doing and saying. She has told us that she is "sort of searching but I'm not sure if I really want to know because I like the way I am most of the time." She has so much she could give and there is so much more God could giver her if she would just take Him into her life and her heart. I really feel that god has imparted upon me some of His heart - I know (in part as completely I recon could probably..yes I'm being literal here.. kill me) how it feels for God to not have His children love him and need him in return. So many times I have had my heart broken for His people. It's not just a feeling but there's actually physical pain. It feels like my heart is being ripped in two; and when God has broken it, it's usually just for one or maybe on the odd occasion two people for a short period of time before He puts my heart back together again. Yet our Lord Father God has it all the time for everyone who does not love him in return. I'm sure that if people could only feel what I do when He brakes my heart for them they would have no choice but to repent and turn to him. They would know the immenseness of His love, grace and mercy. It would blow their minds to know that some one out there feels, and has felt, so incredibly for them though they themselves have not cared for/about or even acknowledged the existence of the one loving them.
Any way. I just wanted to right that down before I forgot it so now I will get back on with reading the rest or Jacob's post. x
William Booth
On one of my recent journeys, as I gazed from the coach window, I was led into a train of thought concerning the condition of the multitudes around me. They were living carelessly in the most open and shameless rebellion against God, without a thought for their eternal welfare."
Journal of Aggressive Christianity Issue 4,
December 1999 - January 2000
As Soon as I read this I thought about a girl in my college class, and all of them I guess, but one girl in particular. Hannah and i are 'working on her' but some times it feels like we're not getting anywhere from the things she's doing and saying. She has told us that she is "sort of searching but I'm not sure if I really want to know because I like the way I am most of the time." She has so much she could give and there is so much more God could giver her if she would just take Him into her life and her heart. I really feel that god has imparted upon me some of His heart - I know (in part as completely I recon could probably..yes I'm being literal here.. kill me) how it feels for God to not have His children love him and need him in return. So many times I have had my heart broken for His people. It's not just a feeling but there's actually physical pain. It feels like my heart is being ripped in two; and when God has broken it, it's usually just for one or maybe on the odd occasion two people for a short period of time before He puts my heart back together again. Yet our Lord Father God has it all the time for everyone who does not love him in return. I'm sure that if people could only feel what I do when He brakes my heart for them they would have no choice but to repent and turn to him. They would know the immenseness of His love, grace and mercy. It would blow their minds to know that some one out there feels, and has felt, so incredibly for them though they themselves have not cared for/about or even acknowledged the existence of the one loving them.
Any way. I just wanted to right that down before I forgot it so now I will get back on with reading the rest or Jacob's post. x
OoOoOoOoh! Get me...
I've had like two or three other blogs and I have always said on them I want them to be more serious than not but they have always fallen through and been a lot of nothing really. But I don't think i specified how 'real' I wanted this new blog to be and looking through most if not all the posts, they are quite 'real'. Never thought it would happen :]
If any one who knows me/has my Facebook reads this, I don't even know if anyone reads it (maybe that's why I'm ok with saying real things that actually matter to me on here) but if you do have my Facebook and want to see what Ben looks like just check out my profile photo.
Anyhoo, this was just meant to be a quick post about my Profile picture in case anyone did want to see 'the man of my desires' - hehe.. couldn't think of what to say as "the guy I fancy" just sounds so, well immature and I like him more than just a crush so that's out too. :]
If any one who knows me/has my Facebook reads this, I don't even know if anyone reads it (maybe that's why I'm ok with saying real things that actually matter to me on here) but if you do have my Facebook and want to see what Ben looks like just check out my profile photo.
Anyhoo, this was just meant to be a quick post about my Profile picture in case anyone did want to see 'the man of my desires' - hehe.. couldn't think of what to say as "the guy I fancy" just sounds so, well immature and I like him more than just a crush so that's out too. :]
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