Twas The Night Before I Turned 25.

Last year's birthday-eve post was a bit crap - sorry about that. So, as my tradition goes, it's my birthday tomorrow therefore it's time for me to take stock of my previous year/my life, most people do this around the new year, but let's be honest, I'm not most people. Never have been, never will.

That seems like a good place to start: I'm not sure you could ever have called me normal, maybe as a kid but only because most/all kids are 'weird' so I seemed just like the rest of them. But as I grew up, my peers seemed to learn to become 'normal' but I think really everyone else just learned how to hide their weird and I never did. As a teen, some times that was a hard thing to live with, never really feeling like I fit anywhere, so much so that going from year 10 to 11 I completely changed friendship groups, I was still friends with my old friends, I just didn't hang around with them in school as much... I guess that's why I'm not really in contact with anyone I went to secondary school with. I sort ditched my years 7 - 10 friends and my year 11 friends were only my good friends for one year. Never really thought about it like this before.
But now I feel like I do fit, I have a great bunch of friends at Kings, some of whom are as equally happy to show their weirdness as I am, Naomi and I seem to have a bond strongly based on our love of our mutual weirdness. I still have Christina, Liam, Abbie and Lottey as my Favourites - along with their Littles: Ava and Jackson who belong to Abbie and Isla who belongs to Liam and Christina. But since August I have come to realise that I have found my Person, after waiting a long time for them, it turned out they had been in my life for over 3 years - Helen is my Person! I knew we were close and that she was one of my Favourites but it wasn't until we spent the 30th August together at charity thing her boyfriend was putting on that I realised she was my best friend. We drunkenly declared our BF status to each other as Helen and her friend, Anton, dropped me home whilst we hugged goodbye. and then at the beginning of last month, I believe it was, I was on Pinterest looking at Grey's Anatomy stuff and something about knowing who your Person was popped up that I knew I had found my person at last! If you're not sure what I mean by Person, google about Grey's, Person, Meredith and Cristina and then all will become abundantly clear. So yeah, I finally feel like I belong. And it is amazing.

I mentioned Jackson earlier, he is Abbie and Paul's son, and I love him a lot. A lot, a lot. His full name is Jackson Christopher Bromely, so his initials are JCB, therefore I call him Digger, which may turn into Diggle but we'll see how Digger goes first. He was born on the 9th of June at 4:09pm, I found out he had arrived by texting Abbie to see if there had been any movement as she was overdue - I literally squealed during the adverts at the Cinema, my friends told me to shoosh until I showed her the picture of little Digger Abbie had sent me. Loved him from that moment on. Meaning I now have 3 tiny humans who have stolen pieces of my heart. Ava - who just turned 4 (whaaaat?! Where did that time go!), Isla  - 1, and now the tiniest of them all, Digger - 5 months tomorrow.

I still struggle with my weight and appearance - I had 2 rather large meltdowns last month. One when I was walking up a hill with Naomi, Serena and her friends for her birthday. and the second last Thursday evening after going shopping for a dress to wear out for Helen's Halloween birthday night at Mungos - I got home after finding nothing in Crawley that would even remotely fit and wanted to make myself sick. I didn't. But I really wanted to. In the end I wore my black lacy cocktail dress and went as a mouse, duh! It was so much fun and I looked gooood! Plus Helen and I declared our love for each other and best friend status all over again - it seems to be becoming a habit for when we get drunk together, I wonder if it will happen at our work Christmas Do? If we get drunk, mostly likely yes! okay, not it sounds like we get drunk a lot, we don't. It's only happened the 2 times I've mentioned, and the reason I think it could happen at the Christmas Do is because they can be kind of boring as we are some of the youngest girls at nursery so... yeah, its definitely a possibility.
Anyways, back to the subject at hand; it isn't as bad as it used to be, now I just get attacks/meltdowns every once in a while. They aren't normally that close to each other either. It used to be that most mornings I would look at myself in the mirror and feel disgust. Or anytime I looked in the mirror actually. But over the years I have come to decide that even though I am an unhealthy weight, I can and do look good. Not all the time, I mean, have you seen how I look at/after work?! No, but honestly, I have come to a place now where I know what works on my body and what doesn't. I make more of an effort with my hair and make-up too outside or work: not for anyone but me. Mostly. I do believe I will arrive at a day when I am fully happy with how I look, maybe not happy, content. I will be content with what I see in my reflection and not just because I will have shifted the weight I've been trying to loose for years but because I will truly love who I am, Who the Father made me to be.

(Wow this post is longer than last year's tiddler!)

I try to make more opportunities myself as a posed to waiting for someone else to bring them to me. What I mean is that I am trying to take life by the horns instead of just going with the flow. I want to look back on my life in years to come and see the amazing experiences I had and not wonder at the things I could have done. I will always long for adventure and excitement and it seems I am learning to say yes to things and I go searching for adventure too now.

Right, it is 23:15 meaning I need to get ready for bed so I can be ready to go out for breakfast with Mumma, Lottey and maybe Farj at 9am. Then spending most of the day with the favourites (minus Helen as she'll be at work - BOO!) watching The Hunger Games and then takeaway kebab with Farj and Lottey then some of s2 are coming round for fireworks in the secret field! A busy, busy birthday. Nun-night! 

So, it is New Years Eve and I suppose it's time to both look back at the year almost over and forward to the one just about to start.
New Years Eve can seem such a let down when it gets build up to be an exciting night filled with possibility when you end up spending it at home with your sister and your parents doing nothing different to the rest of the nights of the Christmas holidays except perhaps having some champagne. But this year, I am going to choose to look at it differently. Yes my friends let me down on Christmas Eve so I was hoping they wouldn't as well on New Years Eve but never mind; I can enjoy the night without them. This year I am choosing to, even more so than I have done in the past, to look for the positives. I have always been a 'glass half-full' kind of girl but where possible I want to look for the glass to be 3/4 full. Now I'm not saying that I will belittle any of the hardships and crap that will come because that would be a ridiculous thing to do, but I will look harder for the good in bad situations and in everyday life.


Looking back...
At the start of last year I decided not to make resolutions because I always break them after a few weeks or months; so instead I made goals for the year. It might just seem like a different word for the same thing but to me, at least, it helped me stick to them. I think I made more than 3 but I know that the following 3 goals I actually managed.

1) To make more of an effort and have more pride in my appearance.

2) To make healthier choices; if this results in weight-loss, extra win!

3) To be brave.

I can honestly say that in some way or another I stuck to these goals and am proud of myself for it. None of them where made for anyone else and I did them for me, whereas in the past I have wanted to loose weight for others, for guys actually. hoping that if I lost a certain amount I might be seen as beautiful or even get a boyfriend. But that's not why I did any of them this year and it feels GREAT! Here are some of the ways I accomplished my 2014 goals.

1) It's not that I didn't care what I looked like before 2014 - sometimes I cared too much how others saw me - it was that I wasn't taking much pride in the everyday, unless I knew I was going to do something special or it was sometimes that I only cared about what others might think of the way I looked. So I chose this past year to look after my appearance for myself and myself only. But if others noticed/thought I looked good than that was just a bonus. And I did make much more of an effort, but it seems I didn't factor in the tame it takes to have pride in the way I presented myself as I'm sure I was later to things like church and going out with friends more than the previous year. I guess I've found a goal for 2015!

2) I have certainly made some more healthy choices in 2014 - never have I drunk so much during the day before this year. It has not been water as I just can't even force myself to drink lots of it, but I figure drinking squash and the like more is better than not drinking anything. I bought a bottle back in March or something and it is a litre bottle so it helps me know how much I have drunk and somehow it magically makes me drink so much more! Some days it's only 1 but other days it might be 1.5 or even 2 whole bottles. And that might not seem like a big achievement to you bu to me, who never used to drink anywhere near that, it's huge. Plus I have tried to snack on fruit more as well. Not done so well with that but I'm still working on it.

The Magical Bottle - I also have it in blue now!

Oh and I actually started Exante Diet again and as of before Christmas I had lots around 2 stone and can now fit into the dress I bought (knowingly 2 sizes smaller than I was at the time) for Chris and Alex's wedding on the 17th January! Might be a tight squeeze after the festive period if you know what I mean but I have hopefully enough time to drop any added weight with Exante and doing my Slim In 6 workout every day, or it might be 6 out of 7 days you're meant to but we'll seem how much weight I might have put back on in the last little while as I have been quite naughty!

3) At the start of December or maybe the end of November 2013 I developed feelings for a friend of mine and hoped/thought be might have feelings for me in return. But due to his role in the church he wouldn't have been allowed to start dating until mid-August so there was not point doing anything about it. But when i decided to make goals for the up-coming new year I remembered when a few years back I almost told a guy how I felt about him but missed my chance and how it felt seeing him with someone else and I knew I didn't want to be left wondering 'What if...?' for the second time. So when I decided I would Be Brave in 2014 I did have this in mind. So it came to the beginning of August, and obviously after chatting to my girls about telling Him - I couldn't not discuss it first now, could I? What kind of girl would that make me?! ;) - I did it. In a very awkward and probably silly way, I told Him I had feelings for him and had a for a while. It was quite clear from his long pause and the look on his face that he didn't feel the same so I then said I knew he didn't share my feelings (which was actually true, I had know for a week or so, maybe longer) and that I just needed to tell him for me and I hoped we could still be friends. Which of course he said yes to as he is a lovely lad. But I did it! Even though it terrified me to do it, the thought of forever not knowing and being stuck in the dreaded Friend Zone scared me even more. So a 'grew a pair' and did it just like Abbie told me too, in a loving way of course.

Isla was only a few hours old when she
 stole a piece of my heart.

There are other ways in which I have been brave and most it not all of them are to to with opening myself up to people and letting them in, but the above story is the one that was the hardest to do. and perhaps one day I might tell you the entire story. who knows?


This year has had both ups and downs as any year would, but the downs have been very down and the highs very high. So a bit of a rollercoaster of a year you could say.

Isla at Cranleigh Bonfire.

The main lows would be that I had a minor car accident where someone drive into the back of my little Gregory which I then suffered quite bad whiplash because of needed a short spin of physio  as a result, And then just as I was coming to terms with everything that happened to me, my best friend, Liam, was in a very serious car accident that the doctors said it was a miracle his injuries didn't result in any brain damage or loss of movement. He got airlifted from Sussex to the Royal London Hospital as they are the most equipped to deal with the severity of Liam's injuries. He is still on the mend but got to leave hospital so much quicker than the doctors all thought possible because of how many people he had praying for him. That was most certainly the worst thing to happen this year.

I love her cheekiness
so very much!

The highest of highs would be that Christina and Liam brought little Isla Elizabeth Rawlings into this world on the 23rd February. This precious little muffin is a truly gorgeous creature and I love her so very much. Other highs include making new friends at church and growing other relationships too and learning to share my life and heart with them and them doing so with me in return. Chis and Alex got engaged this year - finally. ;) And I got to hang out with Abbie and Ava lots more this year too! And a plethora (wow, good word there Cherry) of other grand things happened as well.


Looking forward...I seemed to have done well with 3 goals in 2014 so I shall set 4 goals for 2015 and see how I do with them in a years time.

She would only eat her toast
in the bath...

1) I want to be creative this year a lot more than ever before. I'm not going to limit myself by giving specific ways and amounts of creativity per week or whatever as I know that wont work for me but I do have lots of ideas that I want to do/continue so we shall see how well I do in 365 days time.

2) I want to learn to budget. and actually stick to it! I made a budget last January but that's all I did, make it. I didn't stick to it or think much about it at all really. In 2015 that will not be the case. I want to be in charge of my money and not have it the other way around!

3) I want to grow this coming year. Obviously not in height as let's be honest, that ain't never gonna happen anymore :( But! I want to grow in lots this year, my giftings, in knowledge, in bravery and courage, confidence, my faith/relationship with the Father, etc... There are so many things I would love to be able to say I've grown in in a years time.

4) Helen and I have both said we want 2015 to be the year of music: to see as many people/bands play music as we can. So this is a purely fun one but that's OK. Plus if possible learning to play something would be awesome too. I already have tickets to see Ed Sheeran play at Wembly in July with Ella so I have something to look forward too and hopefully I will see many more musicians play too. And not just famous people, I want to take any opportunity to see play live if I can!

I have lots of hings to look forward to this next year some of which I have mentioned but instead of just listing them here, i will try to post about them once they've happened. But don't hold me to it as well all know how not-great at blogging regularly I am!!

Therefore, goodnight, God bless and I look forward to next years recap with you!

The Night Before.

Not sure if I posted this time last year or if I just journaled; but I'm pretty sure for the last couple of years on the night before my birthday I've taken time to right a little something and sort of take stock. I have only just got home from a birthday meal with the Favourites and as it is 23:51 currently, I am going to continue the post in the morning but I needed to right a little something now.

I remember thinking that 22 had been good and I wondered what 23 would have in store for me. It has been a year of ups and downs of course (which I may go into in the morning) but looking back I have thoroughly enjoyed this past year and feel like life just keeps getting better and going by quicker which I'm not too happy about... 

Anyway, I am off to bed now and shall see you when I'm officially 24. Yay!! 

A few of my favourite things.

I have not posted in so very long and I want to start it up again as I so loved writing. 

I know I have started, and will continue again, The List which are things that I love but all of a sudden I had the erge to write about things that I love, but in mess detail that a whole post per item. I'm sure I will elaborate of some of the following things in future List posts but it now, here a few of my favourite things. 

I love to sing. I may not be very good at it but I love singing. Ugly singin on purpose is also lots of fun. I do wish I has a beautiful Serena-esque voice but I don't so I have learnt to love the one I've got. 

My favourite biscuits are still Bourbons. But I am quite partial to an Oreo or few dipped into ice cold milk. 

I love passion fruit Rekordalig. It is so delicious and lush or delushous! 

My favourite season is autumn. I love the change of the colours, the sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet. I love going for walks or being outside and getting cold ears and nose then coming in and getting all rosy cheeked from the change in temperature. 

I love teddies and soft toys. For Christmas his year my grandma and grandad got me and elephant called Elliot who holds a heart that says "Granddaughter, you're loved so much more than you know. And it seems as time passes, the nicer you grow." And I freaking love him. I slept cuddling him every night as I fell asleep fr 2 weeks straight or something. And yes, I am 23 years old now. I don't care. 

My hair. Even though some days I want to cut it short or even twice I have wanted to shave it all off because it won't behave, I love my hair. I love my curls and the unpredictability of how it will lookin the morning. Even more so when I go to bed with wet hair, It gives me such joy to look at in the morning so much so that I often laugh out loud at myself. 

I love hugs and cuddles and all things snuggle-like. Whomever I marry better like it too or he's gonna struggle! I even cuddle in my sleep, as you heard above. But apparently I do it to people too if they are sleeping next to me. So he better be ok with spooning, being big the big and little spoon! 

As I know you will already know if you have read any of my previous posts, I love Jesus with all my heart. I asked him to be my best friend and in charge when I was 8 at Stoneleigh bible week in 1999 and have never regretted it. I have had so many hard and crushing times in my life and knowing that my Father God is taking care of me and carrying me when I can't go on is the most incredible thing I know. My relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit is the only perfect relationship I will ever have. God, all 3 parts of him, is my first love.

My all time favourite flowers are daisies. I just love them. 

I love music. I cannot ay anything unfortunately but I still want to learn. I tried to learn the guitar a few years back but my fingers seemed to small so I gave up quickly. I regret it big time. Even though I cannot play a note, I love listening to music. Almost all genres but I am not a fan of metal, of any kind. They just sound angry all the time. I'm sure they are incredible musicians and singers but it is just not my mug of hot chocolate.

McFly are my favourite band. I have very album of their except their 10 years:RAH one as I have out myself on a budget and couldn't afford it this month. 

I love hot chocolate! My favourite brand is Options. I have yet to find a flavour o theirs I do not like. I do not like tea or coffee soni have tried a lot of kinds or hot chocolate! 

Going for walks without knowing how long I will be and where I am going. I do this a lot around where I live in he Sussex and Surrey Downs links. 

I love accents. Any really. But my favourites so far I have heard in real life are: Irish - obviously. Scottish Welsh and Liverpudlian.  

Having a bath with candles, music/watching something on my laptop, lots of bubble bath and a cold drink. I like to lay in it until I'm all pruney. 

I adore ginger hair. Especially if it is curly. On both men and women. And myself :)

There are many other things that I love and adore like films, songs, movies and a whole host of other things but thins would be a stupidly long post I I said them all. Plus as soon as I thought I was finished I would think of more things to add so I'm going to quit now. 

I hope you have enjoyed this little insight into my life. I certainly had fun wiring it. 

I'm so glad you're part of my life.

(Written on 16/4/11  - not sure why i never posted it. It is even more true today. I will always treasure our friendship as one of the most important things I have in this lifetime. I love you, my friend, my sister.)

Christina Emily Cave.

We've had our ups and downs for sure but this girl, other than my actual family, has stayed in my life for the longest, even knowing me at my very worst. No matter where we've been studying, lived or whatever else could get in the way, we are still here together. And I love her very much. she is like a sister to me.
I know I could trust her with anything. And last night I did.

Last night I rang her at about mid-night in a state and she was there just to listen and console me as I sobbed and talked incoherently to her. So not only did she talk me round to hear sense but she also offered to meet and just chat with me today. To be honest, she is my rock. I don't know where my life would be without her in it. Christina was there for me in the darkest part of my life, just after I had been abused and didn't want to be alive anymore. Her just being in my life, shining in happiness like a candle in a darkened room, gave me hope that I could get through it. I don't think she realizes how vital to me wanting to carry on living she was...

<Insert title regarding length since last post 2 years ago>

Soooo, it sure has been a while. Whoops! I have written three draft posts but none of them have been finished -sorry.

Lots has happened since then; but the main thing is that I got a job in December 2011 at a nursery near Gatwick airport. I started in the baby unit which is aged 3 - 14 months. I then worked in Owls Nest which is our 3 - 4 year olds, then did two days a week in Foxes which is the 2 - 3 year olds and the other three days I worked in Rabbit Run with the 14 month to 2 year olds. As of October last year I went to full time in Rabbits which I am totally loving. As I'm sure is true with most jobs I work with people who I wouldn't "choose to associate with" which means some of the people I don't particularly like but there are others, especially one in particular, who I am so glad I have met. Me an Helen have become such good friends and she even told me I am her best friend in this area (she moved from Sutton a few years ago). It was so nice hearing that and it's true for me about Helen at work as well. She is so lovely and funny and kind, I'm glad to be able to call her a friend. 

So yeah, that's the biggest change in my life since my last post. I have a job that I mostly love.

Something else that is new is I have discovered I have a love of sewing. Stacey introduced me to it really, making bunting for InStep, our church's womens ministry. I helped her out a bit and it turned out I thoroughly enjoyed it so I've got the sewing machine Ruth had and I am (very, VERY, slowly) making some bunting of my own. In the future I plan on learning to alter my clothes for when I have lost the weight I need to and maybe even learning to make my own as well.

I know that's only two things that have happened but if I don't post this now I'm not if I ever will or if this will end up joining the other three or so posts that will never get finished now...

I shall try to update this more often but no promises. I am not certain anyone actually reads this anyway - but I'll keep posting as if people do because it's nice to have a space where I can be honest and open and get the ramblings, opinions, ideas and thoughts that are scattered in my brain.
Therefore, if someone is reading this, Hello! And if no one is, then; meh, really. :)

The List: Thing 2

I found the above photo here and just fell in love with it. As I am doing an item about the things I love call The List I thought that this would be a great section banner as it shows three things I love: photography, the sky and Love. Oh and I'm partial to silhouettes too so really it's four things and that means it is just perfect for this blog segment. And now, on with the show...

Introducing the newly found List banner is rather apt for today's thing as I want to talk about photography.
I don't know what it is about it that I just love but for the past few years now my love for it has grown. About two years ago now, my sister Lottey was bought a semi-professional camera for her photography A-level course and ever since I have taken every opportunity to steal it and have a play. She is still  so much better than me obviously (she did study it for two years!) so all her photos are much better then mine but I do it because I have fun doing it not because I want to be great - although that would be pretty swell too.

I think it's the way you can show so much, or even so little, through a single shot. I love digital photography as it's so quick and simple but as a kid I remember sending off a film/disposable camera and having to wait for weeks for it to be developed but then the moment you got the little envelope and you could see whether or not your shots came out/were any good. I kind of miss that. What I might do to sort of get that feeling again is to order a load of digital prints online and then wait till they come through, that would be pretty cool.

Some photographers I love are:
Charlotte Grant
Dean Sherwood
Tom Leishman
TSO Photography
David Spearing (he's also a filmographagician)

There are so many more as well but I don't have the space to put them all in. There are two main websites I use for photos for anything I do or even just to look for some amazing photos and they are tumblr.com and weheartit.com Check them out they are fab! (And whilst you on tumblr check out mine: cherry-face.tumblr.com #ShamelessPlug )